Am I still fly enough to say yo? Or have I officially gone past the line of being hip and old lady?
So whilst on the way to put in my prescription, I suddenly had a brainwave - I am shit at turning guys down and most of the time, I end up with some right old dicks. It's not intentional or all the time - a lot of the time I like the guy, but others it's just I can't handle the guilt of saying no because no is painful. Therefore, here are some alternative ways to do so, because the simple 'you're just not my type' or whatever is just not enough nowadays.
25 Alternative Ways To Turn A Guy Down:
1. Tell him that since being with him, your period has become its heaviest as if it is telling you loudly and proudly that you two are just not compatible. If you are a guy, go with it still.
2. Spot a cat, stroke said cat and when it interacts with you, preferably with meows, inform him that the cat is telling you that he's not the one and then leave.
4. Tell him that you are Madonna.
5. If he likes Madonna, tell him that you're not that Madonna and leave on a cliffhanger.
6. Explain that you were what Willis was talking about and how you were a bit of a bitch.
7. The twin lie is getting old, tell him you are a clone and have no emotions and therefore this relationship just wouldn't work.
8. Tell him you're married to your job. Literally. Whip out certificates and everything.
9. Go on a huge ass rant about the metaphor in The Fault In Our Stars and how it is really stupid because Augustus putting a cigarette in his mouth and not lighting the thing that can kill him is equivalent to you ordering a massive chocolate cake and then not eating it (Note, I am Diabetic)
10. Say the wrong name at the altar.
11. Continue to say the wrong name even after this.
12. Just admit to him that you literally can't remember his name and this just won't work.
13. Hire a hitman to dump him.
14. After the misunderstanding, explain to him that you didn't want to dump him, you just wanted to duuuump him.
15. Ask he pay your bail after the whole hitman fiasco.
16. When he says no, ask him why he's being such a dick about this.
17. Constantly talk in third person.
18. Offer to pay for dinner and if he refuses because it makes him less of a man, roll your eyes so much that you disappear.
19. Paint him a really complicated picture and let him work it out himself.
20. Alternatively, poems and bakes work too.
21. Explain that the Great British Bake Off moving to Channel 4 is a sign about where the relationship is heading.
22. Then add that the two of you are not the Sue and Mel of the relationship world.
23. Convince him you're pro-Brexit and pro-Trump and if he says 'me too', tell him you were trying to get him to dump you, but how the tables have no turned and you're now dumping him.
24. Tell him you're going to get a packet of cigarettes and not return.
25. Finish all his sentences with 'that's what she said'.
So if these work, you are welcome. If not, will cake help? Damn I want cake now...