Wednesday, 8 June 2016

Music For Lovers

Hey Schneckens,

Sorry for silence, turns out I have a borderline personality disorder and that makes blogging super hard. Harder than an erect dick. Aaaaaand I'm back!

There's one thing many people diagnosed with BPD can agree with is that when it comes to love, no one will ever love you as much as someone with BPD. Granted, it can be unstable at times, but the love a BPD person will give is in a league of its own.
And love songs become a lot more deeper because of this.
When I was on my frenemy Facebook this morning, I came across a post with this thought provoking quote:
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My first response was surely a person with BPD wrote this given the clear indication of how much love the woman in the quote describes. Sorry to be a party pooper for those currently in the honeymoon phase of a relationship, but it's very unlikely you love this person more than ANYONE in the ENTIRE world. Come on, are you honestly saying this person beats your parents/carers, friends, pet etc? It's okay, we've all been in love and said/felt it. But here's the kicker, with my last lover (boyfriend, partner etc - all the same) I am fairly certain that I loved him more than anyone in the entire world and here's why:

  1. I didn't communicate with anyone, bar him, for a consecutive number of days. Sorry, ma!

  2. If he told me to eat, take medication, go bathroom, I did it with no hesitation unlike anyone else advised I should. Again, sorry, ma!

  3. I worshipped him like he was a god - and not just sexually. I mean I generally worshipped him. Sorry, God!

  4. I started hating anyone who wasn't him and/or tried taking him from me - even if that was all a deluded fabrication and paranoia. Sorry, friends! And, ma, again..

  5. I actually nearly died for him..

And yes, as my psychiatrist points out, as well as everyone else in my life, that kind of love is unstable and not normal. I was clearly unwell at the time because believe it or not, not everyone with BPD does that and not all my past encounters with men went like that. Let's no label here, folks!
This then got me thinking about songs because like someone with BPD, songs also tend to be "dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable" - looking not just at you, Swifty! Seriously, let's look away from Taylor Swift because, we get it, she writes about breakups and if a BPD person was to pyscho-anaylsise it, we'd be here all day, probably.
I'll first start with a song that I used to sing because it reminded me so much of the guy and that's Stooshe 'Black Heart'. If we actually speak the chorus instead of singing it, it's actually quite telling.
Daddy I've fallen for a monster
Somehow he's scaring me to death
He's big and he's bad
I love him like mad
Momma, he's the best I ever had
Daddy I've fallen for a monster
He got a black heart

The whole chorus is a whole juxtaposition and represents the whole idea of the intensity of a borderline relationship. In typical borderline relationships, one can go from idolising the person to hating them the next. Whilst many will just see this chorus as a typical 'he's a bad boy, but I love him' shtick, I see much of my last relationship. The fact that I saw him initially as a monster, yet ended up being in an explosive and unhealthy relationship with him. This all or nothing approach that he's the best I've ever had because no man has showed me this attention before and therefore it must be love, despite the fact I constantly switched my thoughts and feelings for him.
Next I want to look at Sia 'Fire Meet Gasoline'. It's really hard not to view this from a BPD perspective because of how intense the relationship is presented, which really shows my initial point that no one will ever love you as much as someone with BPD will.
I got all I need
When you came after me
Fire meet gasoline
I'm burning alive
And I can barely breathe,
When you're here loving me
Fire meet gasoline
Burn with me tonight

I think the chorus pretty much summarises that point well. They're both quite unhealthy together due to the intensity of the relationship and anyone with BPD can agree with me when I say that this all feels completely normal to us, that we think that this amount of love is what everyone experiences. Deep down it's because we're afraid that they'll leave us and we'll do anything to prevent it, even if the intensity of our love is the thing pushing them away. Ironic, huh!
Finally, let's look at a male shall we because it's not just women after all! I've chosen The Weeknd 'Wicked Games' because there is something about this song that shows the impulsive, self destructive, but desperate, love that many BPD sufferers find themselves in.
So tell me you love me
Only for tonight
Only for the night
Even though you don't love me
Just tell me you love me
I'll give you what I need
I'll give you all of me
Even though you don't love me

Sometimes a person with BPD can find themselves in the situation where they know the person doesn't feel the same way back, but the fear of being alone and the feeling of emptiness is something they don't want to feel. This was something, and still is, that I find myself struggling with - I'll take anything I can get because I can't stand being on my own and that's what causes such intense relationships and how many BPD sufferers end up on abusive relationships, something that happened to me with my last one.
So did we all have fun? I did, I like looking at songs from certain perspectives. Anyway, I'm off for more music, so if you have something that you want to share, do, let's start a conversation on Borderline and Love Songs!

Toodles :)