Wednesday, 5 August 2015

The Great British Bake Off Returns!

Whoa, Schneckens.
Firstly, Emmerdale. No spoilers, but who either cried or felt like crying? My stomach was churning throughout because I could not handle that tension. One thing I've noticed though is that nobody has mentioned the pilot... Rarely certain that pilot is dead. I'll mention you, pilot! RIP.

CONTAINS SPOILERS:

Baked goods: the nation's favourite marquee is back
Back with a bang?
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Now onto the big buns, THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF. *explodes* I have been so excited about its return since, well, the last series ended! Who would have thought a show about amateur bakers could manifest the British public's lives so much?! Is it the innuendos - who can resist a good ol' soggy bottom? Is it Paul's piercing blue eyes and crisp white hair? Is it Mary's gaze? Or is it Mel and Sue just adding comic relief to what is a strangely tense show?!

They say 'there's no use crying over spilled milk', but I'm guessing that doesn't apply to cake! This week was all about cakes and there were tears all round. First the contestants were asked to make a simple Madeira cake. You know, the cake with that crack on the top (totally intentional, folks!) Well, you'd think it would be simple, but as contestants showed, it wasn't that simple. Stu, a musician in a hat that looked a lot like hipster, totally got his flavours wrong and his lime and chocolate pairing utterly bombed and Ian, a posh sorta hottie, made something that tasted like wallpaper. But not all of them screwed up, Tamal, who I'm guessing knows how to handle a prick or two (he works with needles, btw) shocked the world as he used rose water and it tasted amazing apparently. Plus, Marie, an adorable traditional cook, won praise with her perfect Madeira. See, it can be done! Eventually.

The Beauty and Beast - but who is who?!
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Then we had the technical and what a fucked up looking technical. It was Mary's walnut cake, but the icing she used looked like cement or some form of kitchen DIY decorations to keep tiles up. It actually hurt my teeth and diabetes just looking at it. Nonetheless, I'm sure people wouldn't be nuts to not follow her recipe, right? Nope, STU DON'T TAMPER WITH THE RECIPE!! Life lesson, folks, whatever Mary Berry says, you do it!! So it's no surprise he bombed again and ended up second from last. Last was actually Nadiya, someone from Luton, who didn't put the icing on the sides of her cake, so it looked a bit like that bowl haircut. It also tasted pretty poop as well. Number one, however, was an Eastern European treat and bodybuilder, Ugne. She's got skills and was a top nut compared to the rest!

Finally was the showstopper and it was the blast from the past, 80's classic - a black forest gateau! OMYGAWD I THINK I ORGASMED THROUGHOUT. NO WAIT, FOODGASMED. Flora, our youngest contestant this year, made perhaps the biggest gateau I have ever seen, but it was so symmetrical that I think every perfectionist in the world would climax just looking at it, let alone tasting it. But it was Dorret, our little traditional spice, who fell apart and cried over spilled mi - I mean, cake. Hoping to incorporate a mousse into her cake utterly failed when it didn't set and as a result we were left with, what Paul described as, a "mudpie." Will Sue please hug her now? But despite this, Stu still managed to fuck up and decided 'you know what would taste great with a black forest gateau? An Italian meringue!' WHAT IS THIS?! NO. NO, NO, NO. Meringues and gateaux of the black forest kind do not mix well dammit!

Will Dorret bounce back?
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So evidently, it was a tense show and already we have tears! But who was Star Baker. Well it had to go to the perfect Marie, who's Madeira was the best of them all. And of course Stu was eliminated, but he never once took off that hat, despite how hot that tent can get, so he did handle the heat pretty well.

Next week, biscuits. Eeeeeeeeeeeeek!

Toodles :)