Sunday, 9 August 2015

Period Horror Stories: Part I

Hello, Schneckens!
Apologies for my absence yesterday, but as you can probably work out from the title, my uterus was slowly trying to kill itself and I was in too much pain to even get up and make a sandwich in less than 30 mins. That's pretty bad.. And even when the pain decreased, I ended up watching Saturday Night Fever with the folks and the film had no plot whatsoever; it was just dancing and music. Overall, it was shittles.

So today you'll get a double whammy post about periods because that seems fitting! So anyone squeamish or not able to experience the pain of a uterus shredding itself just because I wouldn't put a baby in it. You know what, uterus? If you're going to act like this every month, don't expect me to put a baby in you any time sooner. Nah, and remember folks: Don't Fuck The Portuguese Guy!

My First Period:

Every girl pretty much remembers their first period like they remember their first kiss; their first time having sex or their first time waxing their hooha and clearly not knowing that they were doing because it hurt like hell. The last one was really specific... But it is true, we remember. Therefore, here is the story of mine because it is hilarious or the equivalent to that I guess.

It was in May and I was only one month of being 13, so my body was going through changes. I had breasts developing; guys' junk was something I was very interested in discussing and I was very much aware that there are really attractive guys in the world. Basically, 13 year old is current day me, but now I am able to get close and intimate with their junk and I have a membership on LoveHoney and Bondara and I have a vibrator, obvs.

Anyway, back to being 13. It was a Friday and whilst I was peeing, I felt something odd as I wiped myself with the tissue. So obviously I checked it and it was small amounts of blood. That's when I went into instant denial mode and flushed the toilet paper away and pretended it never happened and I was not in fact bleeding from my vagina (back then I couldn't say 'vagina' without my whole body shuddering..) There wasn't a lot of blood anyway, so I was able to keep it a secret for that night. Then Saturday came... It was around my Mother's birthday and as a family we decided to go to a Jack The Ripper walk tour. Nothing says 'happy birthday!' than a gory trip about a serial killer who enjoyed ripping out lady parts! Totally fitting to what was to happen. So as we were on the tube going to Whitechapel, I could feel the blood. It was no longer little drops, I could feel it. But I didn't want anyone to know because I was embarrassed about this perfectly natural thing that I was experiencing. I continued ignoring it, whether we were in the coffee shop and I just sat in agonising silence or when we were on the streets learning about Jack The Ripper. Regardless, it was a really enjoyable trip, I mean the woman may have thought I was younger than how old I actually was because she wouldn't show me any of the really graphic pictures, but it was really interesting. Even the drunk man at the station who kept throwing bottles all over the place. Weird night.

But what about my period? Well we got home and I had to tell Mother now, so I called her and told her to come into the bathroom. She eventually did and she was really proud of how her daughter had started this "wonderful" moment and declared it to everyone in the house and nans. She then showed me how to use a pad and all that jazz and the next day the period stopped, so I was free to act innocent again. But I never did, I told my friends because I was one of the first to start and I continued to fantasise about guys, but in a tame sorta way. And then I eventually adjusted to this new thing in my life.

So in conclusion, what did/do I have in common with Jack The Ripper's victims? Both our downstairs areas looked like a murder scene...

Toodles :)

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