Sunday, 2 August 2015

3 MORE Reasons You Don't Fuck The Portuguese Guy

Yo, Schneckens!
Russia is loving the blog at the moment, so this means we can open up the fancy vodka now and party like it's 1991 - I mean, no, that's a poor year for the Russians. Sorry, Russia for that joke, I'll start Putin an end to my jokes. Too soon? Alright, I can deal with that. Please don't kill me.

So remember the infamous blog post: "3 Reasons You Don't Fuck The Portuguese Guy" - of course you do, it was groundbreaking and cemented everything that this blog stands for: symbolism, sex and slagging off. All the S's, so sorry if you have a lisp! Does my son have a lisp? Shit, sorry son!! Ahh fuck, that was unintentional! I think it's cute because Watsky does too - what is happening? Portuguese Guys. Yes. Here we are. Obviously I am not telling you not to get sexually involved with them, they are merely a symbol for sexual vices and how they are bad, but one won't stop because one is an idiot who really likes playing with fire. So for all you smutty pigeons, here's more reasons why you don't fuck the Portuguese guy or in most cases, that person you probably should reconsider..

Oh, firstly, why am I doing this again? He keeps offending me and pissing me off. I was messaging him last night and despite the fact I stayed away for nearly a week, he STILL has nothing to say. Dude, this isn't sexy and I am finding it really tedious that you can have a group chat with folk and keep that going for like ages, but you can't talk to the woman who metaphorically comforted you when you hit rock bottom. Really. REALLLLLLLY?!

1. You're the only one putting effort in ~ As mentioned just above in my small rant, if they're not putting in 100% in when talking to you, then don't let them put their gentiles on your gentiles because you are not a sex toy that they can play with when bored and then dispose of you when they feel better. It really grinds my gears that I'm the only one putting effort into a conversation, I mean, it's not that challenging. You do fine when sex is a possibility, but you can't most of the time.. I get that folk aren't always a 100% and socailising is hard af, but COME ON, surely you can answer "How's your week been?" without "good" or "alright". Basically, if they seem cold and only heat up for bedroom time, tell them where to really stick it and keep on marching.


2. They're blowing you off ~ Sort of similar to the above, but deserves its own mention in its own right. Nothing is more crushing that someone cancelling on you, so imagine it happening every time you want to make plans with that person that you kinda want to put their thing inside your thing and want to have a friendly conversation with afterwards. Yeah, it sucks, hard. Usually this shows that you're not really on their radar and if they would much rather lay in their bed than lay in your bed or go to the park or some shit like that, then don't bother trying to woo them or be wooed by them.


3. S/He raises suspicions from EVERYONE ~ You should never listen to your head or your heart because they're idiots. Your gut on the other hand knows what's up and that's the same with everyone else. Originally I told my friend to stay away from him because he was trouble and shouldn't be trusted. Three-ish months later, I am willing to drop my panties for him and maybe bake him a cake afterwards. Probably should've listened to my gut because only a week ago I found out something so shocking about him, I felt anger I had never felt before or at least in a long time. And that's not my vagina talking either. Don't trust vaginas, they like anything. But if your friends, teachers, acquaintances and counsellors tell you that there's something about the person that is unsettling, they're probably right because let's face it, they probably see reality instead of things through your ogling goggles. Or because you're still convinced you can change him. You're not Taylor Swift, it won't work for the weekend or ever really.


And there you have, more confirmation about why I - I mean you don't fuck the Portuguese Guy or anyone that is symbolic for that. But if you do, use a condom and maybe clean yourself afterwards to remove the shame of diddling something like that and for using the world diddling without thinking of Ned Flanders straightaway!

Toodles :)