Thursday, 2 July 2015

How To Survive A Heatwave

*Fans self like a sexy senorita, only to realise that one is as sexy as a bag of Monster Munch*
Schneckens, I am melting. Melting I say!

How most folk are feeling atm
Firstly, for anyone who thought yesterday was a one night stand sort of thing and that I wouldn't be back, you were wrong. I don't do one night stands, I do them in the afternoon, but then it turns into an actual thing and now I have someone who likes to listen to me ramble..

England is currently in the midst of a heatwave, so many Brits are feeling the heat... literally. Despite the fact many always want heat and no rain, those same people are complaining. Not me, I always hated the heat and would gladly embrace the cold chill right now. But maybe it's because I am aware that the science behind this means that eventually it'll absolutely hammer it down and everyone will yet again moan. Is this physics? Oh god, stop talking to pixie!

But yes, for the meantime, it's hotter than the inside of a tight bondage dress right now and there isn't much we can do about that... or is there?! Well my dear schneckens, here I am to show you how to survive a heatwave because if there is one thing I know, it's how to survive unbearable heat. Sorta.

How To Survive A Heatwave:

1. Stay hydrated ~ If you didn't know this, then how the hell did you manage to work your digital device today or ever? I may be going through a science phase right now, but it's pretty obvious that when you're hot, more sweat escapes your body through the pores on your skin and natural responses (like breathing, peeing, pooping) so you need to replace those electrolytes lost through fluids, preferably water. So if you're thinking Pimms is the answer, nah, because that will just dehydrate you. Was anyone else slightly turned on by that explanation, or was it just me? Dammit.

2. Ice ~ In any form I guess. Your body is obviously pretty hot and sticky like a pole dancer, so something cold will be amazing. So put ice in a tea towel or something and place it on a part of your body that you feel like would benefit from this icy sensation. Also, ice cream is pretty amazing because it's both cold and tasty. Plus, top cooling tip, cut a slice of cucumber, freeze it and put it on your face because that shit feels nice!

3. Don't go outside ~ In the ideal world where responsibility isn't a thing, you could totally nail this. So all you students right now, we envy you so damn much.

4. Protection ~ No, not a condom (although if you are getting hot and heavy, do use one) If you are going outside, wear sun cream because if you're pale, like me, you will burn. I've been doing walks everyday and I didn't go out for long, but now I have the worst lines ever and I am red. Granted, it's fading, but for the first few days, I looked like a tomato and unless you're into that sort of thing, its not a good look. Also, hats and sunglasses are ideal because heads and eyes also feel the strain of immense sunlight and heat.

5. Wear loose fitting clothes ~ BUT make sure nothing pops out, like a boob or dick, because that's not good. Basically the fabric of your clothes rub against your skin, so there is more friction and therefore more sweat is generated. Sure heat is lost, but you will feel sticky and sweaty, so it doesn't have the ideal effect that you would think it would have (oh science, aren't you fun!) So no black and nothing tight, unless you actually want to collapse from this heat because that will happen. Here is my take on dressing for summer:

So that's how to survive this heatwave. Stay in the shade and drink plenty of water to replace those electrolytes lost. Now if you need me, I'm going to punch a certain pixie in my life because I know too much about science right now and that's a bad thing because... well, I don't know. I'm still going to punch him though because I'm that sorta girl!

Toodles :)

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