Thursday, 23 July 2015

I'm Pregnant...


Ahh, hi, Schneckens!
It's been a while so I figured I needed something to pull in audiences and nothing says that than a big pregnancy announcement. Just in case it's flown over you like Superman during an acid trip, I am NOT really pregnant.

Can we just for a minute appreciate how much I have physically changed since that picture? I mean emotionally I am still as batshit cray as I was then, it's just I've managed to trick people into thinking I am a functioning adult. Psssh, as if! But come on, that was, like *thinks about how far deep I was into giraffe then and I know it was a Monday and I am probably wearing a skirt then* March (?) and now over a year later I look like this:

Yep, that's me. With Bub, obvs. It's amazing what makeup and dressing for my figure and personality can really do. Just to reinforce how much I have changed physically, here's a side by side thing:

Granted, I am wearing a lot of makeup, so here's one without any makeup or anything like that:

So that is clearly my face and so forth and just in case you are still doubting anything, I am NOT pregnant. Besides, babies are weird. They scream, they eat and poop, but they make a big song and dance out of it. I don't make a big deal when I take a shit, but maybe now I will! 

This blog literally was an update to let you know I am in fact alive and healthy. Although it's starting to turn into a coming of age thing. Fuck, I'm a woman. Fuck, I have boobs. Fuck, my vagina bleeds monthly. I don't know what love is, but I think I feel it when I look into your eyes or hear your voice. That was a cheesy line, perfect for a Taylor Swift song. OMG I would love to start a conversation on that, but I kinda blew up my quota today.

To summarise this post:
1. Not pregnant
2. Don't fuck the Portuguese Guy
3. Do 2 and 1 will remain
4. If you don't do 2 though, wear a condom
5. Don't climb down his drainpipe
6. Yes that is suggestive, but you've fucked him now, so what can we do?
7. Babies poop on you
8. They're little sadistic bastards
9. But they have better clothes than most of us
10. I fucked the Portuguese Guy...
11. ...Sike!
12. *Tugs skirt to remove any rust that might be caught*
13. What, I'm a robot!
14. What do you mean Marina and the Diamonds said I am not a robot
15. Well maybe she's a hypocrite!
16. Forget the Swift and Minaj fight, this is the new beef
17. Nah, we're cool
28. Confused?
19. Good.
20. I like sandwiches.

Toodles :)

Tuesday, 14 July 2015

Things You Can Only Do DRUNK

Hi, Schneckens!
It's been a while. Basically: heartbreaks, operations and mental health have been preventing me from being able to function like a rational human being, so blogging really wasn't on the forefront of my mind. Sorry! But now I have used CBT and I am back on a path again and hopefully I won't trip or stray.

... Or get drunk. Yes, when I am low, I get hammered. I'm not the only one to get drunk though - LOADS of people have been recently and it's rather endearing to hear about. Drunk me is a bit of a randy one though. She always does something sexual... From buying too many bananas:

Tells people she's a ho...

And takes bathtub selfies with a cat...

So basically, what else can you get away with doing, but ONLY when you're drunk because let's face it, any of this sober is just fucking weird...

Things You Can Only Do DRUNK:

1. Buy excessive amounts of phallic foods, including, but not limited to: bananas, cucumbers, carrots.
2. Order cheese and condoms at 3am.
3. Declare your love for that person you really, really like through grammatically poor texts.
4. Send overly weird voicenotes.
5. Spam folk on SnapChat.
6. Kiss some guy called Paolo because it's the same name as Paolo Nutini.
7. Attempt to pole dance with a drainpipe.
8. Headbutt a dog.
9. Put a burger through someone's mailbox.
10. Microwave a doughnut.
11. ...Make that a pack of doughnuts..
12. Burn rice.
13. Have your nan draw a mustache on your face..

I'm sorry, I got distracted. Don't fuck the Portuguese Guy.. Wait, what were we blogging about?

Toodles :)

Thursday, 9 July 2015

How To Tell If He Is A Fuck Boy

Hello, Schneckens!
I have been down in the dumps these past few days after some issues with folk in my life. I found myself at a extremely low point on Tuesday/Wednesday, so I thought it would be best to avoid blogging yesterday because I was all over the place.

Well, in the spirit of things, I thought I would blog about something that used to be my niche in the blogging world - bitching about relationships and love woes. Currently listening to this song, so crank this up and let's get on with this how to guide. Here is the song:

The reason why I am discussing this today is because when I was looking through old messages, I realised that the guy formally known as 'sex god' (his words, not mine) really highlighted that he's a bit of a fuck boy and I can't believe it's taken me over a year to realise that! Will this change how I feel about him? Not really. Will I stop talking to him? Nope. Do I still see him as a part of my life. Yes. Can I live?!

Firstly, what is a 'fuck boy'?
a guy who messes with girls 24/7. You know he's a fuck boy when he says he's not. []
How To Tell If He Is A Fuckboy:

1. He is more focused on what your breasts than your bests ~ Or butt, basically anything that he can get his fuck boy hands on and play with. So if he knows your breast size before your name, it screams fuck boy because it shows that he's got sex on the brain and probably isn't that fussed on getting to know you. Also, if he is BLATANTLY staring at them when he is talking, slap him. Or remind him where he should be looking. Face is up here, guys.

2. He constantly asks for nudes ~ If your messages consist of 90% of him asking for nude pics, like "tits", "pussy" and "ass", he's a certified fuck boy. What ever happened to the art of conversation. I mean, if you feel like you can trust him (only you can judge that, took me a long time to send him something even remotely suggestive) then go for it, just be safe and no face. Just remember...

3. ...He shows others girl's pics ~ Yep, he COULD show his mates or YOU a girl's picture. It shows lack of respect and how a girl is just an object to them that they can use and throw away when they're bored with. It's also pretty sad that he feels the need to show others these pics, like what is he trying to prove - that he's getting action? What a twat.

4. His friendship consists of mainly women ~ Basic fuck boy sign - he's got to look like he respects women, but really he's learning from them and possibly prepared to jump into bed with one of them when he thinks he can play a situation in his favour. Also, to outside women, it sort of looks intriguing to what makes those girls special and you probably just want that level of attention from a guy like that.

5. He goes hot and cold ~ One minute he is all over you, next minute he's hitting on some other girl or just blowing you off. The fuck boy life is just a big old juggling act.

6. He only makes an effort when sex is an option ~ Usually he never texts you first or asks how you're doing, but bam, once sex is something that is possible between you two, he is all up in your grill.

7. HE KEEPS HOUNDING YOU FOR SEX ~ Self explanatory..

And there you go. I enjoyed that small rant, so now I am going to take a nap and hope I don't dream about him. Ahh, who am I kidding, those dreams are always fun!

Toodles :)

Tuesday, 7 July 2015

10 Years On

Hi, Schneckens!
Apologies for my absence yesterday, I had a very difficult day following issues with a person in my life and I was too angry at him to do a blog post that didn't involve me ripping him to shreds.. Yikes.

Today marks ten years since the bombing on numerous tube and bus services and the feeling still remains as many paid their respects to those people who lost their lives and were left injured and traumatised by it all. No matter how much time passes, it will always be a raw memory that will stay with a lot of people forever.

I remember the day quite vividly. I was only nine years old at the time and I was at school when the news started to break that a terrorist attack had happened. Most of us around my age weren't really experienced when it came to news like this, I was too young to remember 9/11 and I still lived in that blissful state that wars (like WWII) weren't happening anymore. That day a lot of students in my class were on a school trip, so we and the other class joined together and we all watched films whilst the teachers all seemed frantic about the news that was flooding in. The thing that always stays with me from that day was play time. No one was playing. We were worried, but we didn't know why. We heard things and being young, we feared for our parents or other family members. Many were crying, really afraid of the worst possible news in the world. One girl questioned people crying, saying that those kids' parents probably don't even work in those places. But I don't think that's why they were crying. All of us had been on a tube in our lives and we had all been on a bus, some use a bus to get to school that day. We as kids never question what happens and we accept that things are safe. For the first time ever, many of us were faced with the realisation that we're not always safe.

Whilst things like this don't happen as much as the media portrays, it does and the figure is quite frankly appalling - things like this should NEVER happen, but they do and that is awful. That day I panicked and I was already an anxious child, but this sparked an unsettling amount of anxiety. Even today I had that strong panicky sensation as I awoke from my dream. I had dreamed that a terrorist attack happened on a tube and I woke up in hot sweats and shook up.

Ten years on and still the day shakes me to the very core. We will never forget what happened that day.

Toodles :)

Friday, 3 July 2015

If My Life Was A Music Video [Ft. In This Moment]

Jaaaysus, it is still hot, Schneckens!
But I followed my own advice and I am doing okay in the weather. Haven't had to whip out the ice yet or take my clothes off; therefore I am doing better than some folk in the world. It is hot though, yet I will go on a magical walk and maybe an #elfie if I can make it up the hill. Yikes.

Anyway, have you ever had those moments when you're walking down the street, listening to music, and you imagine that you're in a music video? Well I do it ALL THE DAMN TIME. It really makes trivial things, like food shopping, more interesting. Like just imagine it, instead of a Sainsbury's bag full of food, you're carrying a Macy's bag cos that bitch better have your money.. You get the point. So with this in mind, I will bring some of my life moments into a music video idea for you all and then we can all agree that my thought process is a pretty fucked up. Some events will be real, whilst others may be extremely exaggerated because that's that what we do.

Artist I will be putting my videos to: In This Moment
Why: I feel like I can relate to her and her music because as women, we're constantly criticised and held against certain expectations. Yet we both know that people tend to "hate" on things about us secretly love that same very thing because without the hate, how will they ever function?

1. Sexual Hallucination (AKA. When A Guy Caught My Eye So Much And Things, Ahem, Blossomed) LISTEN HERE:

The start the lights slowly fade on, the screen is in black and white, so it has that twitching light effect. I stand in the common room, staring at the doors and eyeball fuck the guy, who is returning my gaze. He grins in that 'I know you want it' way. As it gets to the chorus, lights fade up into colour in a bang/flash sorta way and we're aggressively making out in the deepest part of the locker room. I am against the locker. Then as the chorus continues, we stop making out, so he can rip off my blouse and starts kissing my breasts (wearing a bra folks), with me obviously looking mighty aroused, The second verse, the scene changes to me back in the common room, this time in colour, and he walks towards me. He sits opposite me, we continue to eyeball fuck. I bite my lip briefly, before I have a moment of realisation and try to leave, but he touches my wrist and stops me. Chorus is back to the common room and now I am ripping off his shirt and his down his torso, reaching towards his lower area. I slowly take off his belt. The bridge the scene returns to the common room and he is still touching my wrist, but I quickly pull away and grab my stuff and escape the common room. Pans back to the locker room and I am on a table, his body between my legs as we kiss passionately. Quick change to the common room exit and I am breathing heavily, clearly tempted. As the song reaches its end, the screen returns to the start, but it is now clear that it wasn't a look of 'I know you want it', it's 'I gave it to you'.

2. The Fighter (AKA. Being Left With Scars) LISTEN HERE:

As the piano starts, I am looking into the mirror, clearly distraught. There are things scattered around me, an indication that I wrecked my room. I have cuts on my wrist and I am clinging onto a bottle of vodka. As the chorus starts, I take a gulp from the bottle and then wipe my mouth and throw the bottle across the room, smashing a picture of me. The photo falls slow mo - showing a flashback faintly. The second verse I put on a coat and storm outside, it is raining. I walk in the dark, hands in my pockets. I walk past people, who are drunk and when they try talking to me with their drunkenness, I ignore them and keep walking. When the chorus returns, I am in the road and look at myself in the puddle and smack it, so I splash myself and smudge my mascara. When the bridge comes, people rally around me, but I push them away and I start running. Flashbacks of things that I am traumatised by faintly appear, but by the end of it, I am by a streetlight and I feel safe because I am in a town full of lights.

 3. Dirty Pretty (AKA. I Dress For You, Not Me And That Sucks) LISTEN HERE:

When she starts talking, I drag a male into the changing room and start undressing him. I start analysing him and grading him, deciding whether he is "pretty enough" or "fit" etc. When the chorus starts, I am looking around clothing shops, looking at risqué outfits, just flicking through them all until I find the one. During the second verse, I am back in the changing room with the guy and I start handing him clothes that he doesn't feel comfortable in and force him to wear it, Chorus returns and I take the risqué outfit off the rail and bring it to my body and look at myself in the mirror. As the bridge starts, I walk towards the changing room, people staring at me as I walk to the door and the woman asks if this is what I am trying on. As the chorus approaches, I say yes and walk to the room. During the chorus, it's a split screen between me and the other me and the video ends with us in the outfits on our own and we both sigh disheartened.

And I think three is enough for today and I think I ended on something that shows that a lot of my thoughts and feelings can be relatable to absolutely anyone! Like I said, exaggerated, but when as a music video not been? So these songs were from the album Black Widow, which you can download here. It's pretty good.

Enjoy your day and soak up the sun in a safe amounts and embrace that Friday feeling!

Toodles :)

Thursday, 2 July 2015

How To Survive A Heatwave

*Fans self like a sexy senorita, only to realise that one is as sexy as a bag of Monster Munch*
Schneckens, I am melting. Melting I say!

How most folk are feeling atm
Firstly, for anyone who thought yesterday was a one night stand sort of thing and that I wouldn't be back, you were wrong. I don't do one night stands, I do them in the afternoon, but then it turns into an actual thing and now I have someone who likes to listen to me ramble..

England is currently in the midst of a heatwave, so many Brits are feeling the heat... literally. Despite the fact many always want heat and no rain, those same people are complaining. Not me, I always hated the heat and would gladly embrace the cold chill right now. But maybe it's because I am aware that the science behind this means that eventually it'll absolutely hammer it down and everyone will yet again moan. Is this physics? Oh god, stop talking to pixie!

But yes, for the meantime, it's hotter than the inside of a tight bondage dress right now and there isn't much we can do about that... or is there?! Well my dear schneckens, here I am to show you how to survive a heatwave because if there is one thing I know, it's how to survive unbearable heat. Sorta.

How To Survive A Heatwave:

1. Stay hydrated ~ If you didn't know this, then how the hell did you manage to work your digital device today or ever? I may be going through a science phase right now, but it's pretty obvious that when you're hot, more sweat escapes your body through the pores on your skin and natural responses (like breathing, peeing, pooping) so you need to replace those electrolytes lost through fluids, preferably water. So if you're thinking Pimms is the answer, nah, because that will just dehydrate you. Was anyone else slightly turned on by that explanation, or was it just me? Dammit.

2. Ice ~ In any form I guess. Your body is obviously pretty hot and sticky like a pole dancer, so something cold will be amazing. So put ice in a tea towel or something and place it on a part of your body that you feel like would benefit from this icy sensation. Also, ice cream is pretty amazing because it's both cold and tasty. Plus, top cooling tip, cut a slice of cucumber, freeze it and put it on your face because that shit feels nice!

3. Don't go outside ~ In the ideal world where responsibility isn't a thing, you could totally nail this. So all you students right now, we envy you so damn much.

4. Protection ~ No, not a condom (although if you are getting hot and heavy, do use one) If you are going outside, wear sun cream because if you're pale, like me, you will burn. I've been doing walks everyday and I didn't go out for long, but now I have the worst lines ever and I am red. Granted, it's fading, but for the first few days, I looked like a tomato and unless you're into that sort of thing, its not a good look. Also, hats and sunglasses are ideal because heads and eyes also feel the strain of immense sunlight and heat.

5. Wear loose fitting clothes ~ BUT make sure nothing pops out, like a boob or dick, because that's not good. Basically the fabric of your clothes rub against your skin, so there is more friction and therefore more sweat is generated. Sure heat is lost, but you will feel sticky and sweaty, so it doesn't have the ideal effect that you would think it would have (oh science, aren't you fun!) So no black and nothing tight, unless you actually want to collapse from this heat because that will happen. Here is my take on dressing for summer:

So that's how to survive this heatwave. Stay in the shade and drink plenty of water to replace those electrolytes lost. Now if you need me, I'm going to punch a certain pixie in my life because I know too much about science right now and that's a bad thing because... well, I don't know. I'm still going to punch him though because I'm that sorta girl!

Toodles :)

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

Hello, Is It Me You're Looking For?

*tumbleweed appears from the abyss of hell. But a young woman: brave, strong and averagely small, dramatically storms into the room with a fierce and determined, but not at all sexual, look on her face stands in the door frame*
I'm back, Schneckens....

Yes, hello! You all look so different, oh my, haven't you all grown?! Well first things first, I need to apologise for just leaving like that. I am sooo sorry. But here's the thing, weeks ago, I went to my doctor, with immense sickness/cramps/head aches etc, and no I am not pregnant. The doctor diagnosed me with exhaustion. Apparently my body has a limit of how much stress it can hold onto from a WHOLE year and after the final bit (moving out woes) she was like 'fuck this shit, I quit.' And that's what happened. I didn't tell anyone because the moment you tell them you're legitimately exhausted, they start doing things for you and start treating you like you're a sack of potatoes unable to do anything but boil under the pressure. That was a clever simile. Fuck. Yeah, I would LOVE it if people could do somethings for me, like message me first; do a surprise for me; help make the bed since they were furking in it too, but whatever.

So what have I been up to? Quite a lot, which is a tad surprising.. Firstly, the Mental Health project is still going strong and Stella Creasy and I are working together to get improvements in the area. I am continuing to work with Holy Family and as their academic year closes to an end, I am just so excited about what the next year brings - not just because my bastard bestie finally makes it to year 13. Finally, I am a step closer to not looking like a total pedo when I want to see/meet him. Finally. A family reunion also happened and we ate my son's cookies and despite the fact that sounds like a piss poor innuendo, it really was just cookies and man they were goood. Granted they had a crack effect on me, but what doesn't in this day and age of a diabetic? Once my Asian mom sends me the rest of the pics, we're do a special blog post for them because it really was a magical moment. That's it really. I also bought a ton of clothes. Standard. I also waxed and a mishap happened and now I have a dick shaped bruise on my arm. Standard.

Now before I go, here's a magical quote I found that I fell in love with at the first glance. Obviously:
“Every atom of me and every atom of you…We’ll live in birds and flowers and dragonflies and pine trees and in clouds and in those little specks of light you see floating in sunbeams…And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me, we’ll be joined so tight…”—Philip Pullman, The Amber Spyglass [source: BuzzFeed]

Toodles :)