It's been a while so I figured I needed something to pull in audiences and nothing says that than a big pregnancy announcement. Just in case it's flown over you like Superman during an acid trip, I am NOT really pregnant.
Can we just for a minute appreciate how much I have physically changed since that picture? I mean emotionally I am still as batshit cray as I was then, it's just I've managed to trick people into thinking I am a functioning adult. Psssh, as if! But come on, that was, like *thinks about how far deep I was into giraffe then and I know it was a Monday and I am probably wearing a skirt then* March (?) and now over a year later I look like this:
Yep, that's me. With Bub, obvs. It's amazing what makeup and dressing for my figure and personality can really do. Just to reinforce how much I have changed physically, here's a side by side thing:
Granted, I am wearing a lot of makeup, so here's one without any makeup or anything like that:
So that is clearly my face and so forth and just in case you are still doubting anything, I am NOT pregnant. Besides, babies are weird. They scream, they eat and poop, but they make a big song and dance out of it. I don't make a big deal when I take a shit, but maybe now I will!
This blog literally was an update to let you know I am in fact alive and healthy. Although it's starting to turn into a coming of age thing. Fuck, I'm a woman. Fuck, I have boobs. Fuck, my vagina bleeds monthly. I don't know what love is, but I think I feel it when I look into your eyes or hear your voice. That was a cheesy line, perfect for a Taylor Swift song. OMG I would love to start a conversation on that, but I kinda blew up my quota today.
To summarise this post:
1. Not pregnant
2. Don't fuck the Portuguese Guy
3. Do 2 and 1 will remain
4. If you don't do 2 though, wear a condom
5. Don't climb down his drainpipe
6. Yes that is suggestive, but you've fucked him now, so what can we do?
7. Babies poop on you
8. They're little sadistic bastards
9. But they have better clothes than most of us
10. I fucked the Portuguese Guy...
12. *Tugs skirt to remove any rust that might be caught*
13. What, I'm a robot!
14. What do you mean Marina and the Diamonds said I am not a robot
15. Well maybe she's a hypocrite!
16. Forget the Swift and Minaj fight, this is the new beef
17. Nah, we're cool
20. I like sandwiches.