Tuesday, 7 April 2015

500 Miles

HAPPY 500TH BLOG POST, SCHNECKENS!
To celebrate, I have had a Pina Colada and currently listening to Don't You Forget About Me - the song from The Breakfast Club.

So 500 in now and there is no sign of stopping. I wanted to sing the Proclaimers, but this isn't my computer and I didn't want to add it onto YouTube to be honest. I also wanted to do 500 reasons for something, but I struggle doing 5 artists for Music Monday - sorry for skipping it yesterday, by the way. I got distracted by the booty. Therefore to spare you from the cliché speech about how meaningful this is to me, let's just see what I have learnt over this year and a half. Good idea? Who cares, we're doing it! Plus, 100 multiplied by 5 is 500, so enjoy 5 pictures!

What I Learnt Since Starting The Blog:


1. Tortoise love is the best love.
Yo-LOO
2. As is Hog love.
3. Jam goes with nearly everything.
4. Vodka shouldn't be mixed with rice.
5. If someone uses a full stop at the end of their text, they are pissed with you.
6. If a girl doesn't like your picture on Facebook, she is pissed with you.
7. Girls know everything about everyone...everything.
8. It's a universal thing between guys to just say 'yup' in texts.
9. If a guy messages you in the early hours, he wants sex.
10. Or he misses you and won't admit it.
11. If a girl messages you, she wants to talk to you.
12. There is no such thing as drunk texting.
13. Hollywood Undead. Everything about them.
14. Enrique Iglasias is a massive dick.
15. Tom Jones is a cookie crumble galaxy bar - smooth and rough in all the right places.
16. People won't understand Tom Jones at a certain age.
17. The meaning of PPVA.
18. You can never have too much lube.
19. Baking soda will remove any sin you wish to keep a secret.
20. Don't Fuck The Portuguese Guy.
21. Never climb down someone's drainpipe.
22. In a skirt.
23. That sentence will always sound like an innuendo.
24. It's okay to go through the bad boy phase.
*smells hair*
25. It's okay to cry over a guy.
26. It's not okay to go on a date with their friend to piss them off.
27. In said date, you will get bored and sext the bad boy.
28. How to actually sext.
29. How to take a decent boob pic.
30. There is no such thing as an attractive dick or vagina pic.
31. You will break the girl code at least once.
32. You will blow your friends off for a romantic partner at least once.
33. You will regret that decision immediately.
34. Your friends are almost always right.
35. But they will forget you are Diabetic at least once and offer you Coke.
36. Cocaine is not worth the hype.
37. Neither is getting absolutely smashed.
38. But it is socially acceptable to get smashed over that prick who broke your heart.
39. Heartaches hurt and time does not make is easier.
40. Condoms are expensive.
41. Flavoured condoms can give a female a yeast infection.
42. Always pee after sex.
43. The word 'member' is the best alternative to penis.
44. Emma Watson is queen.
45. People will lose their shit over Bake Off.
I like crayfish...
46. #JusticeForIain.
47. #DirtyDiana.
48. Paul Hollywood is a massive twat.
49. Everyone wants Mary Berry to be their grandmother.
50. I have a Son.
51. An Asian Mom.
52. And a black Sister.
53. Greenwich is far away.
54. Not as far as Cumbria.
55. You will resort to desperate measures to control your jealousy.
56. You will be insanely jealous of your friend at least once.
57. There is one friend who you clash with more.
58. Every friendship group has a weird incestuous vibe.
59. Friends who date, will hate.
60. Physics and maths were used to identify my breast size.
61. Physics is weirdly attractive.
62. Mother Nature makes the world a more enticing place.
63. Side boob is more attractive than full frontal.
64. The common room is full of filthy secrets.
65. Ed Sheeran makes me cry.
66. I wouldn't mind handling Paolo Nutini's Loch Ness Monster.
Hey.
67. Sex on the beach is a meh cocktail.
68. You can't have a pina colada without singing the song.
69. Eastern Europeans are heart breakers.
70. Portuguese are bed rockers.
71. Mexicans are panty droppers.
72. It is near impossible to not be aroused by Funny Man's voice.
73. How to actually pass history.
74. English Lit is a long and painful death.
75. But you will form strong bonds with your classmates.
76. Drama becomes a second family.
77. It can get incredibly sexy.
78. Maybe too sexual...
79. Never.
80. Public breakdowns happen.
81. When a hot man on a motorcycle gets off to help you, say thanks.
82. Consider getting his number.
83. It's highly unlikely you will ask someone for their number sober.
84. You only really text a handful of people.
85. People still poke on Facebook.
86. How to use SnapChat.
87. How to use WhatsApp.
88. How to use Tumblr.
Heeeeeey.
89. You will eventually end up on that side of Tumblr.
90. Your parents know more than they let on.
91. Always eat ALL the sausages in Spoons.
92. Nando's is saucy in all the senses.
93. The fact Chimichangas is not more famous is befuddling.
94. New Look is just perfect.
95. Every girl needs a hooker dress and heels.
96. How to say pomegranate.
97. I am Taylor Swift.
98. You can make a difference in this world.
99. You are beautiful inside and out.
100. When life hands you a lemon, don't squeeze it into your eyes.

Impressive, right? Well I was impressed. I did that all on my own and relatively sober. Happy 500 everyone, see you in 500 days for the next! What a sentence!

Toodles :)