Thursday, 12 March 2015

How To Use Facebook

Sup, Schneckens!
I had the worst day ever today, yet writing that seemed chirpy in my head. It wasn't chirpy, far from it. I had no hot water, lost my Oyster card, laptop was being difficult and a bitchin' headache from all the stress. Grumble, grumble. But I'm home now and let's hope the day improves!

So in my life, one thing continues to make me groan in sheer agony and that is Facebook. I hate it. It is a shallow, inaccurate portrayal of individual's lives, where people like cheap photos over the important things in life. Or maybe I am still bitter that he liked my friends' pictures and never mine. Bastard. Anyway, here's how to use Facebook, apparently.

How To Use Facebook:

1. Use your most vainest picture for your profile pic ~ Forget about smiling or looking genuinely smiling, everyone wants to see you looking sexy and hot. If likes are your thing, bit that lip in a suggestive way, wear the boldest red lipstick ever and wear that tightest outfit you have to highlight EVERYTHING. God forbid you would want to look anything like you normally do on a regular basis..

2. Like EVERYTHING and EVERYONE ~ If you like someone's picture, status, video or whatever, they'll feel more inclined to like back, right? I mean, why else would anyone like it? It's not as if it's meaningful or something that you can relate to. Gosh, Facebook!

3. Never accept a comment ~ If someone compliments you on a picture, instead of accepting it with a mere thanks, dismiss it and say 'u blind?! u r so pretty. when can the surgeon swap our faces xoxoxo' Or something like that, you get the point.

4. Post every hour or so ~ Hell, screw Twitter, no one reads that shit. Facebook is the place to say whatever is on my mind, whenever, whatever etc etc. The more posts in an hour, the more people will be jealous of the life I live and not totally pissed off!

5. Tag EVERYONE ~ My Facebook friends need to know that I have friends in real life and that I am totally social. Even if it's a shit photo of them, it just shows how fun I am!

6. Add whoever ~ If they have mutual friends, then you MUST know them, right? Obviously a human can have over 1000 friends and say that with confidence, right?

7. Share the important things ~ If you share this post, a child in Africa will get clean water and clothes tonight. Wow, you're helping the world.

8. Say ANYTHING ~ Politics, religion, education? Just post about it, like, your opinions are clearly supreme to everyone else's.

9. Fish for likes ~ 'I'm so ugly' etc etc. Okay, you are, but I don't want to look like a bitch by agreeing, so I'm just gonna say you are a hot spice.

10. Threaten to quit ~ Whenever you are not getting the attention you obviously deserve, just say you'll going to leave and they'll all come crawling back to you!



So, that's how to use the fucker. Seriously, I will remain bitter with this until he likes my fucking picture. Okay, you know what, this isn't even that important to me, but he should still go and click that little like button for the fun of it. No? Sigh, maybe on Instragram...

Toodles :)