Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Living With Depression: An Update

Hey, Schneckens!
Yesterday I went to Stratford to watch a modern adaption of Antigone. I was disappointed because Roy Williams' take on it meant gangs and I thought that was so predictable, which took away the enjoyment of it - something many of my peers agree with. But my actual trip to the theatre was nice: hung out with friends; uncovered my friend's spy abilities and resisted the urge to buy a burger. I did, however, eat a ton of prawn crackers that weren't even mine. Whoops!

Many months ago (well it feels like many months) I posted a blog about living with Depression. Check it our HERE. I don't know why I used caps there, I guess it just looked pretty; nothing to do with you or anything. In this post I basically spoke about how difficult I was finding things and that as well as it being a psychological illness, it became very physical too. From not being able to get out of bed; to eating poorly and hurting myself, my body simply couldn't cope and everything seemed incredibly bleak.

Well, it's now February and although I am still prone to the odd down day, most of the time I feel smashing. Yes, I'm in bed quite a lot and I sleep more than I should - but it's not because I feel down or hopeless, it's simply down to late nights; hard work and laziness. I can work out the difference between the two because during my early diagnoses and before, I slept because I felt incredibly down and didn't want to do anything. Whereas, when I'm in bed now it's because I want to and I'm able to get out and look forward to the day. I set myself goals with my sleep - if I do nap, I have an alarm to wake me up so I can get out and do things. Sure, I do press snooze sometimes, but who always turns it off and jumps out and sings to the birds? Exactly! As for my eating, I've noticed a great improvement. I have started to eat regularly now - before I would either attempt starving myself or eat so much that it would lead to purging. Now I make sure I have a well balanced diet and I can honestly say I enjoy my meals. Yes, sometimes I'm aware I have eaten too much and feel guilt, but it has reduced a lot from before. I mean, check out these funky dishes!

I hope that you're smiling as you read this as I'm smiling as I write it. I know life isn't perfect, but I think that's a good thing to realise now. Having such a drastically low time meant that I had nothing else to lose, which meant I could fight back and crawl my way back up. At the moment I am still on medication - Citalopram 20mg for those who are interested, and I attend regular CBT sessions. I love going to these and I'm halfway into my treatment so far! I can see how much I have improved. In the last session, I finally accepted that I was more social than I initially thought because I'm doing quite a lot. It may not be partying or so forth, but I'm doing things that when I look back on, I can smile and be like 'yeah, that was a good day!' I know that Depression will never leave me, just like my Anxiety, but just the Anxiety, it will become manageable. I decided that I'm going to give myself something to look forward to every day and to tell myself one positive thing about myself each day. It may seem small, but in the long run it'll make a huge difference. Just because I live with mental health, it doesn't mean I should suffer!


Tortoise Love x

Toodles :)

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