Saturday, 7 February 2015

3 Reasons You Don't Fuck The Portuguese Guy*

Hello, Schneckens!
Continuing the spirit of February (love, lust, heartache, indifference etc etc) I'm here to tell you a certain number of reasons why you don't fuck the Portuguese guy. Now, before you all go ape shit on me because I'm assuming you've clicked on here because a) You are in fact a Portuguese guy and furious I am saying such things or b) You're with/considering the Portuguese guy, let me explain myself: I am referring to our sexual vices. "What?" I hear you bark, well, dear reader, that one person who you know you shouldn't get involved with, but resisting it is harder than we thought. In other terms, the bad boy/girl. My vice is a Portuguese guy and for many reasons, I should stay away from him, but there's a part of me that lives on the thrill of his existence and I know that all he has to do is utter the words 'so um pouco' and I'm gone. We all have a person like this, maybe not the same as what I have shared, but similar nonetheless. Therefore, here are reasons why you shouldn't give into temptation and metaphorically fuck the Portuguese guy (or whatever person you happen to be playing with fire with..)

[N.A. Since writing this, I have befriended him. So that's a surprise for mankind...]

1. There's a reason your friends have warned you off him/her ~ Your friends, most of the time, know what's best and they can smell trouble a mile away whilst you're nibbling on your forbidden fruit. If they say that he/she is bad news, they're probably seeing something you're not and let's face it, you're blind when it comes to things like this. Maybe they've seen them do something whilst you weren't looking (getting intimate with other folk, perhaps?) or heard something dodgy (they've done what?!) Whilst you're wearing rose tinted glasses and wearing horny pants (this needs to be a thing), you've missed all these things. Or maybe you did notice this, like me (He harassed my friend and I knew he was staring at my breasts - knew their size before my name... Yes, judge away) but ignored it because you wanted a bit of excitement in your boring life.

 photo sassygayfriend.gif

2. He/She clearly has other motives ~ Now, I'm not suggesting you can't pull a bad boy/girl, but you need to think realistically now. If the "millions" (may be exaggerated) of other men and women couldn't change them, why the hell would you be any different. This isn't like Home and Away when Belle brought out Aden's good side after he opened up to her about his traumatic past - man, I miss them! Sorry, where was I? Yes, I remember. Unless you are them, you won't change them. I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but not all bad boys/girls are hiding a dark secret that makes them act this way - sometimes they are just tools, period. So whilst I can delude myself into thinking that this guy is really just a misunderstood guy, living in the expectations of others, in the real world, he'll only acknowledge my presence if sex is a possibility. For instance, he said that casual sex wasn't for him (lol, he was the one to suggest it and push it), then said we should hang out and chill sometime (lol, the moment darling came out, I knew) and finally, sent me a sexy voice note when the bondage tape came out (and now your intentions are clear for the world to see!)



3. You're most likely trying to make up for something else lacking in your life ~ Whoa, things got deep there. It doesn't sound too odd though, does it? Think about it: why does this person suddenly seem so attractive to you? If this person is in your surroundings a lot and you spend a considerable amount of time together, sure, you could start to see them in a different, more enticing way. But if you're like me, which maybe you are since you're still reading this, that isn't the case. This guy, in theory, had been in my building for 5/6 years previously and I hadn't even noticed him/knew him. Even my friends knew who he was! Heck, even after the first time I briefly spoke to him (convinced him I was Russian and got him to do what I wanted...whoa, we've always had a S&M vibe between us) I couldn't remember him. It wasn't until I got the note, decided to dress and act differently, then for me to catch him checking me out (I wore a black lace bra under a white shirt, with a tight pencil skirt, I knew what the fuck I was doing) I started to feel the burning in my loins. That's not me being aroused, that was my vagina trying to warn me that he was bad news. Even my vagina knew, well, until he wore a purple sweater and we felt conflicted about the whole thing. In summary, your boring, lackluster life - through relationships, work, school etc - has made this being more attractive. Kinda like a drug, but crack is whack and you should stay away.



And there you have it. Whether you follow this or not is your own decision. It's okay to be tempted by forbidden fruit - hey, if you do have sex with them, I for one won't judge! Just be careful, listen to your friends and think long and hard about the whole thing. And if you do have sex with them, and they do have a reputation as someone who beds a lot of folk, maybe get a STD test..

Toodles :)