Saturday, 28 February 2015

Yes, And I Like Pizza

Hello, Schneckens!
Brilliant day at Improv! I'm half asleep right now, so more details tomorrow.

Till then imagine a party with no food. Scary.

Toodles :)

Friday, 27 February 2015

Saucy Friday: Love, Sex and Sandwiches

Happy Friday, Schneckens!
How's your week been? Mine's been rather swell - it's been less hectic than last week, but I've enjoyed it nonetheless!

So today I left my room and went to the Dome on campus, where a health and well-being event was taking place; therefore I got loads of free stuff, including a Frisbee. There was also Swedish food for some reason - very nice!

Anyway, who would have thought February would be coming to an end so quickly? It felt pretty quick. So congratulations for making it through another month! I have my Improv workshop tomorrow and I miss Sheldon deeply - oh yeah, I walked all the way from Blackheath to Eltham yesterday - take that, everybody!

My blog post title sounds weird, right? Screw sex, drugs and rock n roll and embrace love, sex and sandwiches. Mainly sandwiches. The food kind. Not the threesome kind. My dream threesome, in case you are wondering. is George Watsky and Funny Man from Hollywood Undead. George has a magical tongue and Funny Man has a voice that makes women's panties drop to the floor. It seems like a good combination. Ahh, we live in a fantasy world sometimes. I have no idea where this post is going, but I don't think it can go any weirder than my discussion of a threesome. Yes, I'm weird.

So love? What is love? How do you know when you're in love? Is it when you get those batshit crazy butterflies that feel like they're trying to break out of your stomach or is it when you're with someone for so long that you ache when they're not with you? That sounds like a sexual suggestion. But is that also a sign of love? When you emotionally connect through sex that it transform into love making? Whoa. But does love have to be with a romantic partner? No, no it does not. I love my family and friends and would do anything to make sure they are happy. So why do we forget that? Why is it that the moment our sexy parts awaken we seemingly forget the world around us and focus on that tiny percentage of our love when in reality there is a huge chunk we're blindly ignoring. You know what, I love you, but I'll be damned if I can't eat that pizza or call my best friend to discuss how Madonna's job is to perform, therefore shouldn't be sainted for carrying on after the fall. Hey, I got spat on once and carried on!

Sex, huh? Who likes sex, both the idea of it and physical act of it - raise your hand? Okay, now keep your hand up if you get it on tap as if it was water and you can't imagine your life without it. Who still has their hand up? Listen, or don't, I'm not fussed, sex is great, but you know what else is great? Pizza. But also intimacy without the D or the V. I like the idea of watching a shit film, with a slice of pizza, wearing my leggings and untidy hair, than wearing all that lacy lingerie that can easily be ripped. People, not having sex is just as powerful as having sex - just don't abuse it. You should be happy in your skin and if you don't want to touch that skin on an intimate basis, then eat potato skins because they are awesome!

Now sandwiches. The food kind. Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Foodgasms are real and can rock your body in all kinds. I recommend Chicken and Stuffing because that will take you all around the world and back again and still have room for seconds. Life.

Well that was weird.

Toodles :)

Thursday, 26 February 2015

How To Remain Friends After Romantic Rejection

Hey, Hey, Heeeeeeey, Schneckens!
It's suddenly dawned on me that I'm doing an Improv Workshop on Saturday. I'm actually pretty excited about this! More excited than a cat that just got the cream, or in my cat's case (RIP, Snibbs), a cat that just found a carrier bag and now keeps sleeping in it and likes to be dragged around. Ah, she was a great cat.

Sorry, I've started rambling on about cats. Spoiler - I like cats. I once said that to a friend of mine and he responded 'I like pussies too'. I don't think we were talking about the same thing.. Is it weird I sorta love him? Sorry, I'm rambling again! Next time I ramble, just spray water into my face. I am here for a reason today. Basically, as the title says, I'm here to, hopefully, offer some tips on how to remain friends after someone you really like rejects you and now you're stuck in a weird cycle of emotions and questions. For most of the time, I have remained friends with those who rejected me, only a handful of people I have erased from my life and would happily dance on their grave. Okay, that was too extreme, but you get my point. Was there a point? Let's do this now before I start talking about Sheldon.

How To Remain Friends After Romantic Rejection:

1. Give each other space ~ It's going to be difficult for both of you. I mean, one of you has been rejected and the other one was the reject-er. Instead of trying to pretend it never happened and trying to make things as less awkward as humanly possible, accept that is nearly impossible and just allow each other some space to deal with these overwhelming feelings.

2. Stop stalking them ~ People, we know that you use Facebook to see what they are doing with their lives. Now it's time to move your mouse to the corner of that page and sign out because constantly having them all up in your grill will just hurt you more and will most likely lead to some sort of hatred because that bastard already has a new girlfriend whilst you're crying yourself to sleep with a galaxy bar in between your arms in a loving embrace. True story.

3. Don't use your friends to find out dirt ~ I know you want a reason for why they took your heart and broke it into tiny little pieces, but your friends will know as much about it as you - little. Unless you were rejected in an adult manner. What is that?

4. Likewise, don't use their friends to find out dirt ~ Chances are they are a complete and utter sociopath who thrives off brokenhearted individuals' tears and will stir so much that you end up hating the poor soul who rejected you for a legit reasons.

5. Gradually start to talk to them ~ Don't cut them out completely because it's not their fault that they didn't see you in the same light. Instead, a simple 'hey' or 'how's it going?' will most likely ease you into a nice friendship territory, instead of 'I hate you for breaking my heart' territory. Unless they keep avoiding you, then by means, you can be pissed.

6. Don't Fuck The Portuguese Guy ~ Seriously, it solves nothing and will not change anything. All you'll feel is sadness and PPVA. Actually, if PPVA was a result of this encounter, good job, it must have been great! Still, don't fuck the Portuguese guy!

7. Accept what has happened ~ Denial is the first stage, I guess, but eventually you need to accept that there are plenty more fish in that sea and you have your whole life to keep exploring it. Even if you're approaching the end, someone is still there for you! What a down sentence. Enjoy a picture of Sheldon.

8. Love yourself ~ If you do all this and then love yourself, you won't hate so much. You'll realise that the worst hasn't happened and you have so much to offer in this world - plus, you'll still have a friend. If you felt that strongly about them in the first place, they must have been awesome in the first place, so you'd probably want to keep them. Unless they rejected you through a note, then seriously, move away.

Aaaaand there you go! I offer legit advice that I wish I had all those months ago. Alas, I didn't, so I learnt it myself. It takes time, but chocolate helps.

Toodles :)

Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Living With Depression: An Update

Hey, Schneckens!
Yesterday I went to Stratford to watch a modern adaption of Antigone. I was disappointed because Roy Williams' take on it meant gangs and I thought that was so predictable, which took away the enjoyment of it - something many of my peers agree with. But my actual trip to the theatre was nice: hung out with friends; uncovered my friend's spy abilities and resisted the urge to buy a burger. I did, however, eat a ton of prawn crackers that weren't even mine. Whoops!

Many months ago (well it feels like many months) I posted a blog about living with Depression. Check it our HERE. I don't know why I used caps there, I guess it just looked pretty; nothing to do with you or anything. In this post I basically spoke about how difficult I was finding things and that as well as it being a psychological illness, it became very physical too. From not being able to get out of bed; to eating poorly and hurting myself, my body simply couldn't cope and everything seemed incredibly bleak.

Well, it's now February and although I am still prone to the odd down day, most of the time I feel smashing. Yes, I'm in bed quite a lot and I sleep more than I should - but it's not because I feel down or hopeless, it's simply down to late nights; hard work and laziness. I can work out the difference between the two because during my early diagnoses and before, I slept because I felt incredibly down and didn't want to do anything. Whereas, when I'm in bed now it's because I want to and I'm able to get out and look forward to the day. I set myself goals with my sleep - if I do nap, I have an alarm to wake me up so I can get out and do things. Sure, I do press snooze sometimes, but who always turns it off and jumps out and sings to the birds? Exactly! As for my eating, I've noticed a great improvement. I have started to eat regularly now - before I would either attempt starving myself or eat so much that it would lead to purging. Now I make sure I have a well balanced diet and I can honestly say I enjoy my meals. Yes, sometimes I'm aware I have eaten too much and feel guilt, but it has reduced a lot from before. I mean, check out these funky dishes!

I hope that you're smiling as you read this as I'm smiling as I write it. I know life isn't perfect, but I think that's a good thing to realise now. Having such a drastically low time meant that I had nothing else to lose, which meant I could fight back and crawl my way back up. At the moment I am still on medication - Citalopram 20mg for those who are interested, and I attend regular CBT sessions. I love going to these and I'm halfway into my treatment so far! I can see how much I have improved. In the last session, I finally accepted that I was more social than I initially thought because I'm doing quite a lot. It may not be partying or so forth, but I'm doing things that when I look back on, I can smile and be like 'yeah, that was a good day!' I know that Depression will never leave me, just like my Anxiety, but just the Anxiety, it will become manageable. I decided that I'm going to give myself something to look forward to every day and to tell myself one positive thing about myself each day. It may seem small, but in the long run it'll make a huge difference. Just because I live with mental health, it doesn't mean I should suffer!


Tortoise Love x

Toodles :)

Tuesday, 24 February 2015

Types of Couples

Hello, dear Schneckens!
This evening I shall be at the theatre to watch a modern adaption of Antigone. Ah, Antigone. Not my favourite Greek play, but alas, one must analysis it for the sake of a pass and a shot of academic success. Plus, night out for me! Woo, socialising! Well, kinda. Woo, going out for the night!

So February ends this week. Finally. I don't like a month that has only 28 days, it's messy compared to the others - although, I will credit the fact that it looks perfect on the calender this year! However, my blog has done great this month, so cheers all round! I'll even stop being pessimistic to couples and embrace the fact that February probably saw a new wave of couples emerge - all you Valentine romantics! Nonetheless, the party never ends, so let's see what kind of couples are out there and whether you and your partner is in this non finalised list - let's face it, Part 2s came come anytime!

Types of Couples:

The In Your Face Couple ~ Whether it's online and clogging up your news feed or in the public space you've unfortunately had to share, they're just all up in your grill with their love and public displays of affection. Love is a beautiful thing, yes, but not when it's sucking the face of another human being when you're trying to eat your ham sandwich.

The Honeymoon Stagers ~ They seem so inseparable, so in love and so in tune with each other that you can almost see their hearts intertwine. They also probably just got together and haven't yet discovered that leaving their apple cores lying around griddles your sausage and is enough of a reason to commit murder.

The Twins ~ Seriously, why are you dressing the same? Being in a relationship doesn't mean you lose your identity. So stop with matching accessories and dance like no one's watching - okay, I don't know what that has to do with anything, but still.

The Drunk In Love ~ They drink a lot, that's how they work so well.

The See-Saws ~ One minute they're up and totally in love, the next they want to kill each other with a single glare. Yikes!

The 'We're Not Dating, We're Just Friends' ~ Yeah, and I'm not planning on eating those jar of cookies when I get back tonight and I'm not planning to listen to the Tomás voice notes again because I like the way he says 'yes' and I'm not aroused by it at all. Nope. Not. At. All. #dontfucktheportugueseguy!

The Airplane Runway ~ Well, they're not a couple, per say, they just have a lot of sex. Have they confirmed their relationship? There's a lot of sex that's all we need to establish.

The Atomic Bomb ~ A lot of tension between these two and it'll drop onto civilization one day and the effects will be deadly. Note: don't diddle your best friend's partner or don't call your partner's friends fit, hot or anything like that.

The Showbiz Duo ~ Everything is so false between these two that it's almost perfect. Good for them!

The Odd Couple ~ Everything is so mix matched between these two that it is completely perfect. Opposites attract, I guess!

Aaaaand finally, The Runner Beans ~ They've been going strong for ages now and everyone just looks at awe at these two, wanting to replicate the love they have for each other! Such a healthy couple!

Aww, the love is so real right now. Well, I'm gazing adoringly at my cookie jar right now. That's my love at the moment!

Toodles :)

Monday, 23 February 2015

Music Monday [Sheldon McShelly!]

Hi there, Schneckens!
Today I had a Reading Day, so no lectures for me. I did, however, attend another CBT session that went swimmingly well and had the greatest delivery ever. Schneckens, may I introduce you to the greatest tortoise ever: Sheldon McShelly!

Awwww, now with that beautiful introduction, let's Monday, shall we? *this may be anticlimactic following last week's monster mash, but hey, music is always awesome!*

Song I listened to: Oxygen:
I don't think I've come across a sound like this before and that is a pleasure to say! Hearing something so unique and pleasing that this song gives across makes Monday a hella lot better and I'll certainly be needing it to get me going, just like oxygen!

Song I listened to: Neva Understand:
A very slick and cool hip hop sound that is sure to satisfy anyone who listens. With a twinge of Wax and great lyrics, you can sense a star being born. Wonderful!

Chino Tha Kid
Song I listened to: Day Dreaming:
With a fresh beat that is smooth and sexy, you'll be hooked from the very beginning. The song is very sexy and certainly a song that will make you feel good because those beats are brilliant!

Song I listened to: Slow//Fast:
A supersonic and psychedelic vibe that left me utterly enchanted by this masterpiece. It had an eerie intense, but somehow, lively feel to it. Honestly, one of the most remarkable songs I've heard in a long while and I cannot believe it's only a demo!

Song I listened to: Fascination:
Stunning. The eeriness from the very beginning sent shivers down my spine and it all felt very haunting. It's rare that a song can move someone so early on, but this song did so. Then the chorus came in and so did the instrumentals. A beautiful and incredible mix with the lyrics and vocals; a heavenly masterpiece!

And that's Monday sorted! So whilst I coo over Sheldon, you all check out these artists and I'll see you next week for the next list - you bring the music!

Toodles :)

Sunday, 22 February 2015

Review: Cafe Bohemia

Hi, Schneckens!
How was your Sunday? Mine was rather swell - watched Bake Off (the Zoella episode!) and had a lovely dinner with the folks. We also had to clean my cupboards, so I threw out a lot of stuff. I also ripped up and spat on Giraffe's card because he doesn't deserve my love or respect anymore. Whoa, what a deep weekend.

So on Friday, Ruby K and I went on a magical journey to Hackney. Me in Hackney? Crazy, I know. I had to go on my own and my threats to Ruby, if anything happened to me, was that she would be banned from my funeral and replaced with Pixie/"Sex God". That is now how I threaten her. Alas, everything was fine. We had to go to Cafe Bohemia to watch a wonderful array of musicians, including regular feature - Alex Cambridge. When we arrived, we we're struck by how quaint the venue was. The set was wonderful and captured a lovely homely feeling. Although, it did feel a tad hispter, but with my wonderful penguin hat, I guess we were at home with the hipsterness!

As we waited for the musicians to begin, we were treated to their sound checks. Yet, this made it hard to distinguish when the actual show was beginning and surpassed the stated time in the invitation that stated it would start at 7:30pm. Nonetheless, when the show did start, we were treated to a bit of country, rock indie. I related to the first act because she sung about guys that screwed her over. Fitting giving how awful my love life has been! Plus, she gave us free candy from the States. Success. Next act was a brother duo - Jake and Lucas Gordon. Their biggest strength was in their song titles that Ruby credited as good titles. Their lyrics and sounds blended in perfectly and whilst the mic went walkies, they acted professionally and produced a wonderful set.

Then came the star we were all waiting for - Alex Cambridge! Her set was truly moving and emotional and as a young Drama student, I couldn't help but place her songs in scenes I could create. That's a good thing, by the way! Her lyrics always make me teary, especially Nostalgia and Balloons; both songs had me reflecting on my life and what I want to do with it. But of course, my standout had to be Love Song #10 - I'm always a sucker for a heartbreak song, but this one had something different about it. Maybe it was the fact it's name hasn't been decided yet or because it was performed live, but it had a quality that cannot be expressed into words, but only appreciation for moving one's self.

Eventually, Ruby and I had to leave because it was late and we were hungry, so we treated ourselves to a burger and chips, before her brother kindly drove me home. Wonderful night - a roaring success for everyone there!

Toodles :)

Saturday, 21 February 2015

Sex On The Beach

Hello, Schneckens!
I am on Skype talking to my sister Tanaka right now. Crazy, huh?

So today I went on a magical adventure to Homebase, before we concluded our day at Spoons. It was the first time in a while that all of us were together, so I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. Even Homebase. My goodness it is so boring in there! But to make it more interesting, I decorated my imaginary house and I think I got too carried away because I bought home too many catalogs. Note to self; we're not really decorating a house that I have not purchased yet. Also, I live in London. The chances of me owning a house is incredibly unlikely. There's more chance of me becoming Prince William's mistress than getting a house in London. What a weird statement. But yes, I don't know why were in Homebase, but I had fun with Sibling for a short while, then I got bored. Also, you can get a STD for nearly £20.00. Bargain, I guess.

The evening was swell! We went to Spoons! AHHHHHH. It was the first time (I think) that we've been to Spoons as a family and I was treated to a gourmet hot dog. Life is swell! The waiter thought we were a bit bonkers, but screw it, that hot dog was life. LIFE. I also had sex on the beach. No, not a fantasy with some Portuguese sex god - I mean, Tomás, not the other one, the cocktail. I pretty much drunk a whole pitcher on my own and that's why I love you.

Toodles :)