Wednesday, 14 January 2015

Number One Enemy

Happy Wednesday, Schneckens!
I'm here early today because it's my day off and I just tried to pay my rent online, but my card was declined; apparently they don't accept my card, even though I've used it before. Okay then...

So what's going on in my life? Well, so far Uni has been alright; I've spoken more to people and I've felt rather happy! Not crazily happy, but I've not felt low, which is an incredible achievement for the first few days that are normally hard to adjust to. Yet one thing has continued to bring a dark cloud over my days and that is the way I look. Every human being has something about themselves that they don't like, from their weight to the colour of their hair. But I feel like I'm being dictated by the voices in my head that tell me I'm not good enough, making me diet excessively and alter the way I look through unnecessary beauty products.

These past few days I have attempted the 5-2 diet, which is a diet where you eat normally for 5 days, then fast for the remaining 2. This diet needs to be discussed with a doctor beforehand because it can be a strain on the body and that is something I have realised as I attempted fasting for 24 hours. I have gone a day without eating before and it was fine, but today I tried it again and my body felt completed exhausted through the extreme pressure I was putting on my body. You see, my poor body has constantly been punished for the actions of others and my severe self loathing of myself. I diet to look good for other people; not for my health. Originally it was for my health and I lost the weight that was recommended, but then in the process, more people started commenting on the weight I had looked and more people started saying I looked good. As the weight was being lost, I started getting attention from a certain guy and that pleased me greatly, making me determined to keep going.

Things, however, have gone out of control loads of times. The dieting was to get a man to like me, but he never did for reasons I can never know. I kept going though because I wanted to look as good as my friends, or better, because all the guys paid attention to them. Even the "sex god" when we first met called my friend 'fit' and hit on my other friend before even considering me - so when he did move onto me, I was torn: part of me felt smug and the other felt like a sloppy second, so I pushed the diet further. As more folk liked my friend and my desperation for love continued, I needed to up myself, so I intensified things by cutting out carbs. Very quickly I became ill with the effects in had on my Diabetes. But I needed to continue, so I did. Even if Zoella and my friends told me I was beautiful, I didn't believe it. Every time I looked at myself, I saw fat and ugliness and vowed to make myself beautiful. So I started making myself sick more frequently, I had been doing it for a while, but moments when guys call your friends fit and not you, or when not pretty enough came out, I purged my body in the desperate hope to prove everyone wrong and that I was in fact just as fit. My relationship with food is terrible now and I am constantly afraid of putting on weight, hence these crazy diets.

Some days I feel flawless and I love looking at my butt and boobs. I work it those days and I feel good, but when I do, others don't, and it depresses me greatly. Like, if someone gets more likes on their picture than mine, or if certain individuals like theirs and not mine, I instantly lash out. I start exercising ridiculously, before deciding this isn't working and I binge, then purge myself until my body feels completely empty. I wish I could say that I could stop, but I can't. I know that little things can set me off at any time and I hope someone will notice one day because I can't keep living like this and if you are too, I pray you get help too, because this life sucks when you can't love yourself x

Toodles :)