Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Conflicting Emotions

Hey, Schneckens.
I don't quite know what to say.. I mean, the last 24 hours have been insane, which is partly due to the fact that I have not slept. For some reason, I just couldn't sleep - up to 3am, there simply wasn't a reason keeping me up; I was tired, but I just couldn't sleep. Odd.

It was after 3am when things became surreal. There's a part of my life that I keep so closed and away from everyone else, only tangling fragments of it to spare the truth from fully arising. Well, continuing this fashion, in a space of 4 hours, everything changed. I don't think I've ever been the situation that I was in before and I don't know if I can handle it again. It wasn't entirely bad - I mean, this pitted against 'Note Gate', it's clear that NG would pin it to the ground in a heartbeat. This wasn't an emotional kick in the stomach; I had no direct feelings towards the person, nor did I intend for anything to progress further than what we actually were. What started off as the 'norm' between us soon exploded into something none of us were expecting and even now I am still shocked at what actually happened during the morning. The end result, however, was simply endearing as we both found something we both were secretly searching for in our lives, well, not secretly for me - friendship. We became friends. A friendship deepened by mutual understanding and acceptance and willingness to move on from our pasts. I never thought I'd find friendship here, but after realising how shockingly similar we are, a friendship doesn't seem out of place. It's just wonderfully amazing how in a space of 4 hours, we went from one thing to another, with a dramatic interlude in between; that's intense, even for me!

But where does the conflicting emotions kick in? Well, whilst I am happy at this friendship formed, a part of me can't deny the sadness that I no longer have a backup plan. I know, it's terrible! During my low points, I frequently found myself returning to him because he could slightly fill something that was gaping. Only slightly though and to be honest, the buzz from it was only a short term thing because quite quickly I would return to my usual lonely desperate self. Knowing that we are just friends now sets of doubt in myself because it means I have no one now. He was the only one to look at me in the way and now that is gone. I now have a new friendship to experience, but I'm tinged with fear that this will fizzle out now that our initial meeting point and attraction is gone. Even though he did things that really hurt my feelings, I came to accept it because it meant that I had somewhere to run to when things got lonely and sad. I don't know where to run anymore. I'm outside in the rain; sure, we're friends and I am happy that I've formed this friendship, but I guess it will take time to adjust to that new way of live. I think I need a break...

Toodles :)

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