Friday, 19 December 2014

A Small Step Back

Evening, Schneckens.
I had a festive sausage roll today for a cheap price of 35p and my goodness, it was heaven. I got it in Sainsbury's, hoping to find the chicken and stuffing sandwich, but alas, Eltham doesn't sell it either. I would sell my soul and my first born son for that sandwich, it is THAT amazing. But the sausage roll was pretty dope, even treated myself to a rocky road bite, so I'm feeling okay at the moment.

Last night, however, it wasn't the same story. I had suffered a small, but scary, episode in the early hours of the morning. I've had small strong feelings of self loathing build up throughout the week as I've struggled with the holiday season and being *alone* during this time. Relationships just seemed to be shoved down my throat this week and I just found it unbearably difficult as I'm only just realising the scars that were left last year. The week got harder when my friend told me that I didn't need to be in a relationship to validate myself, seemingly forgetting that she is in one herself. I guess I couldn't quite comprehend the point she was trying to make. It felt a tad patronising to be honest with you, but I pushed it aside and tried to focus on other stuff. Yet last night, I don't know, I guess seeing pictures of attractive folk on Facebook and being praised for their attractiveness, along with these low feelings, just made me plumage into a pit of despair. The urge to cut was unbelievable, but I resisted it. I had to break a lot of things though and punch a lot of pillows, but I managed to overcome the feelings until I eventually crashed. It was scary though. I was in so much pain that couldn't be summarised even if I tried - my nose even bled! Given the time, only one person was able to respond in time, but by then, I was already gone.

It was a hard night, but it's a new day and so forth, so we just gotta stay positive and after a counselling session, I'm feeling slightly more so.

Toodles :)

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