Wednesday, 31 December 2014

My 2014: A Reflection

Happy New Year's Eve, Schneckens. Or Happy New Year if it's finally struck midnight from where/when you read this! For anyone who is celebrating in forms of social activities, here is last year's guide in surviving it all. I will actually follow it this time..

2014 has been a weird year for me. I achieved so much (Actually enjoyed Sixth Form; Passed my A Levels; Started University; Wrote 2 books; Blogged it out; Shone light into folks' life because I bought light bulbs for Christmas etc) Yet, whilst doing all this, I was full of great sadness and self loathing. There were three times, in the later part of the year, when I stared the prospect of death in the eyes and each time I contemplated suicide, it was all because of the same reason - I hated myself. Such a brutal confession, but I did, I still do, in fact (Not as much though. I mean, I don't look myself in the mirror before sticking my fingers down my throat to purge myself of sin anymore. By 'sin', I mean fat. I'm not that symbolic..) There are numerous reasons why I feel this way, from personal/traumatic experiences all the way to society's contradicting views on how a human being should look/act/live. Although I have been whipped and so forth - all in a non sexual way, mostly - I do feel optimistic for 2015. I have many projects in the pipeline, including this blog, my work and of course, my fight for mental health. Being as vulnerable and fragile as I was this year, it really made me realise how little was done to prevent these attitudes that truthfully, could have been a lot more tragic than it was! Mental health is shunned by folks as it's not a physical disease, even though, when you really think about it, it freakin' is! I want to use this new year to help break the stigma around it all and to help educate more people about the truth behind mental health, as well as help give people a voice in such a closed subject. It may seem big, but little steps can take you a long way!

Back to this year though. Let's divulge deeper into the year 2014!

Sixth Form/Secondary Education is OVER. Fuuuu- The more I realise that, the more amazed I feel. I mean, I've been there so long and now I'm not. What is this? It's stranger because it means that I've had to leave folk behind. The hardest thing about completing Sixth Form was saying my last goodbye to my Drama family. Our breakfast together before the exam was like the episode in Friends when Phoebe had to give up the triplets; it would be the hardest thing that she'd have to do, but she knows it's for the best. Basically, even though I loved doing Drama with them all and they brought out my best qualities, we all have so much to do with our lives. So us all going our separate ways will allow us to fulfill our destinies. It doesn't change the fact that when I'm at Uni, I occasionally feel deflated that they're not there and I keep expecting 'Zoella' to appear (and trip in someway), yet, we're all doing things we love (hopefully) and we'll all (hopefully) cherish those weird ass times we had together. Like the gangstas; the hoes; the piss poor innuendos; 'Zoella' fangirling over Jude Law; Tyrell filming us; Power To India! - Those and much more will be in my heart and hopefully I'll create awesome moments in my new surroundings. It'll take a while to settle in with complete ease, but remember, it took me to April to feel the same way about the Drama family; I just need a Jean moment. Also, whilst we're discussing Sixth Form, can we all down a vodka shot that I actually passed History with a B! Did not see that coming! Who would've thought that my Russia love would lead to such achievements - seriously, anything with Russia and my grades bump up; I really like Russian history.. Let's stop Stalin and move onto the next section, да?

I always fall for the bad boy...
What's does my love life and the Cold War have in common? No one really won (Except for the West, they won, technically..) and it just left a lot of long lasting damage. I can't say that I'm surprised that things never improved in this area of my life, but I am shocked in how things turned out. The good, though, was that I think I've befriended some of them - like, MBG still sits with me on the bus. Plus, I've understood the "sex god" more as I've written So Um Pouco and actually had a conversation with him that (for a while) didn't end with 'send me a pic..' Hey, I'd probably, and weirdly, miss it if he didn't say it! They're the goods in a bad bunch, to be frank. *Opens the wine* Now, let's discuss the big 'un (I haven't got a lot to say about the pretentious twat because he really was a blip and I never found him attractive in that way, or anyway, it was pity. Sorry, world, I went on a pity date.) Giraffe and Note Gate. I thought it was dead and buried in 2013, but the scars left were pretty deep - and I'm not just talking about the scars that I've inflicted upon myself in self hatred. The more I think about it (I know I should stop, but what human can?) the more I feel saddened and angry at it all. It took until July for him to explain why he did what he did - I didn't want that entirely. I wanted an apology. Not for the rejection, I can accept rejection for heaven's sake. No, for the way he did it. The note was hideous. Getting his friend (his cold, sociopath friend who told me I wasn't pretty enough and continuously taunted me in subtle ways) to sneak it in my bag was disgusting. He never apologised for that and even in his email, months later, he blamed me for it all. He tried to justify his actions by sincerely opening up to me, which I accepted and decided that I was the evil one. Yet, again, the more I thought about it, the more appalled I felt. His excuse didn't add up because if he knew I was an anxious being, why the FUCK would he make me suffer for that long? The whole thing can't be expressed into words because it's too hard to explain. All I can manage is that the whole thing made me feel worthless and it fully explains my book No Soul To Sell. Everything that followed from that rejection left me feeling numb and empty, which I tried to fill with a Portuguese perv; extreme dieting; cutting and clothes that were not me. I doubt he'll ever read this, even if I delude myself into thinking he might in a few years. But I hope one day, if he has a daughter, he'll understand then, when he sees it through mature eyes what rejection is like and how his was cruel. I hope all his friends realise it too. But I won't be around then, because I'm done with those immature turds. I don't know what 2015 will offer and I don't care anymore - I have a whip, blindfold and bondage tape and that's all I need really.

Let's return to the positives though. My butt is real. I tell myself that everyday as a way to make me happy because it's little things like that which can really bring a weird smile to my face. I used this year to embrace my creativity and wrote two books - No Soul To Sell and So Um Pouco. Both sound incredibly sexy and mysterious. Keeping busy has helped a lot with the Depression, so writing So Um Pouco has been a blessing in disguise! I guess I should try to get my work out there.. The blog has been a privilledge to write this year and it had its first birthday, which was moving for me! So many of you continue to support me in so many ways and it really gives me a push.

Likewise, and I don't mean it to seem rushed, my friends. They make every unbearable moment seem okay. They make every tear go away with their warm hugs and smiles. Yes, we're all apart now, but my mom (Ruby K); son (Ruby F) and sister (Tanaka) have continued to give me a reason to live each day and like my biological family, I love them more than the world itself. Wherever we go with our lives, you're all in my heart and I will carry you everywhere. Even if I'm drunk texting you. That means I extra love you! Or that I extra love vodka. Sometimes it's hard to tell.





Well, what a year, eh? Who knows what 2015 has to offer, but I made some memories, so let's keep making some more. Happy New Year, Schneckens x

Toodles :)