Weird title, huh. Me, listening to Little Mix? The madness! Yeah, I occasionally enjoy the sounds of a good ol' pop song full of cheese and inspiration. It's not all Nine Inch Nails and Hollywood Undead, y'know!
Yesterday was a jolly good day! I had to censor that because it's too early to swear and I'm eating a cereal bar right now - you can't swear with a cereal bar in your hand! I have made a new friend in Drama and she has received the nickname 'Timber' because autocorrect is a funny ol' thing. Plus, my evening was smashing; smashing I say!
Today was a bit of an oxymoron: I felt both tinges of sadness, but happiness. Not at once, but throughout the day. Now I feel odd. So odd that I purchased opera tickets.. Okay, that's not a result of this odd feeling. I feel a vague sense of emptiness inside of me, like when I breathe in, there is nothing but air in there. Yet, I also feel at peace. Sorta. Okay, not at all. But I don't feel as sad as I thought I would when life hands me yet another lemon; in fact, I accepted it and made lemonade with it straight away.
Why the Little Mix reference at the start? Yesterday, or this morning, someone posted an old Drama video and I saw me in it - obviously! One thing I said, whilst watching it, was 'dayum, my butt looks awesome!' Or something on those lines. I looked at myself in the video and thought I looked good, yet when I look at myself now, I feel a startling sense of disgust that a hideous creature like me is allowed the roam the earth and potentially mate with a poor unsuspecting soul. In LM 'Little Me' song, they repeatedly say things that they wish they could tell their younger self, like 'you are beautiful', 'you are smart', 'you have a voice' etc etc. They are right. So I decided to look at all my pictures, because even in pictures I think I look good, but then face the harsh slap in the face when others simply don't acknowledge that vocally. The other day, the "sex god" liked my friend's picture, but never mine, thus sending me into a nervous despair where I cried hysterically at a bus stop, wondering quite vocally 'what is wrong with me?!' Yeah, it was dramatic... There isn't anything wrong with me though. I say it through gritted teeth because being single for a period of time really reinforces the flaws of oneself, but there isn't. Right?
I wondered what beauty was this morning because my own self image is shattered with low self esteem and doubt that can't be fixed easily. Is beauty in the looks? Is is beauty the same as beautiful? Is beauty being sexy? Or is beauty the acceptance of oneself? I don't know, but here are some pictures of myself that captivate me because they show something. Something interesting.