Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Rose Tinted Glasses: Confessions

Wednesdays will forever be an early blog day.
Hi, Schneckens!
Has my ambiguous title enticed you like ravenous bears? Well, if it has, sorry, it isn't that interesting..

This was my dream last night:
Myself and my friends were in Year 13 again - it's not clear why, but we had returned from the summer holidays and we were Year 13s. Myself and one of my friends - Ruby K - decided we would meet another friend - Tanaka - in Central (Walthamstow's main meeting point). Once we got there, Tanaka was already waiting. Yet, randomly, there was a bed just there - the bed oddly resembled my University one in real life.. On that bed was my "sex god", who said everyone had changed, bar me - except for a little bit of colour, adding to the idea that we had returned from summer. Anyway, we were all talking and I decided to get under the covers, which he swiftly copied. Long story short, he pleasured me, orally. Then all of us went to English Literature, I sat with my friend and he was behind. The teacher walked in, asking if we had done our notes, which I had not, so I walked out, rather dramatically.
     I had other dreams following that and he featured in all of them, all of which were sexual..

"What the fuck was the point of that story?" You may be wondering. Well, my dear schneckens, ask and you shall receive (?) I don't actually know what the saying is for this.. Anyway, I'm assuming we've all heard of the phrase 'rose tinted glasses' before, right? If not, this is it's definition: "the tendency to see things in an unrealistic positive light" [Wikipedia] I do this a lot when it comes to species of the opposite sex and that dawned on me a few days ago when it hit me that the so-called "sex god" wasn't actually god-like or sexy.. Now, who am I to judge - I'm hardly a sexy being myself, but I used to praise him for that factor since his personality was disliked by me (although the sadist and masochist combo between us made him more exciting..) Yet he isn't mind blowingly hot. His voice doesn't spark endless amounts of orgasms. His touch doesn't send shock waves across my body. His presence doesn't bring me closer to God. Yet for for a considerable amount of time, I attached myself to his existence because I viewed him as the saving grace in my boring life. I would often find myself trying to excuse his behaviour and mask it as sexy when really he was being a perv and boring as fuck. More boring than me. Folks - being cold and purposely reserved, isn't sexy - it's boring, annoying and angers the fuck out of people! I told him it was sexy at one point and praised his looks (he said I was hot first, so...), but I think I only did it to funk my life up as he wanted me for sex, bad compared to the other boys and I was lonely and needed human contact.

It's not the first time I have done this. Remember my giraffe? The man with the neck sent from the Gods? Even though I have publicly slammed him, when I had those rose tinted glasses on, I used to excuse EVERYTHING he did. I mean, this guy got drunk once when he was meant to do an important piece of work for our group. I excused him and let him act that way and did it myself. If it was someone else, and most cases this was put into practice, I would bite their head off and act like it was the motherfucking apocalypse.. He got off scot-free. Why? Because I was obsessed with him and thought he was perfect; the yin to my yang; the cheese to my cracker and so forth. In reality, he was none of that and I acted like a complete idiot worshiping this person.

It's sometimes not even people I am attracted to. Any man who does something nice for me, just one thing, I instantly put on those glasses. Then I turn into some psycho bunny boiler when they don't continue it or act nicer to other females. Essentially, I think my rose tinted glasses aren't for the opposite sex. They're for me. I lack so much confidence in myself that I desperately need to latch onto any form of attention I can get to make me feel worthwhile. Sad, yes, I know. But at least I've taken them off for the time being and seeing what a cold, sadistic, unattached bastard this guy really is. So, take off them glasses, look at yourself and realise that you deserve the very best that the world can offer. Hey, you probably deserve better than that!

Toodles :)

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