Sunday, 5 October 2014

Masturbating By The Willow Tree

Yes, that is my title, Schneckens..
..and no, that wasn't what I was doing last night..
In fact, no one was masturbating by the willow tree, although there was a strong desire by one amazingly talented comedian last night. You want me to start from the top?

Jon Richardson. Myself and my good ol' friend, Tanaka, went to the Eventim Apollo in Hammersmith to watch Jon Richardson on his Nidiot Tour. As you can tell by yesterday's record breaking short post, I was hella excited about seeing him live. I had seen him live just a mere few weeks prior to last night, but this time it was a bigger venue and bigger set. The excitement was unreal. There was so much excitement that we were laughing manically before the show had even started. Here's an overview of what happened and bare this in mind - we were hella sober..

We met at Central and I was a tad late (I had to make sure I looked good for my bae <3) Yet Tanaka didn't think to use this time to top up her Oyster card, so we had to wait in the line to get it sorted. There was one woman in front of us, yet she seemed to not have ever used the underground before because she didn't have a fucking clue about what to do. When she had finally finished, Tanaka handed over £5.00 to put on her Oyster card. Now the woman before her must have confused the man because he couldn't comprehend that Tanaka wanted £5 topped up, hence why she handed over the note. Ah, the state of the underground just enchants me! The journey there was rather tame. We got to Hammersmith in good time and Tanaka went to get her burger as I discovered that the venue was literally just outside the station.. Well, asking for directions wasn't at all embarrassing..

We stood outside and the excitement was evident all around, mainly because everyone just ran inside. Folks, you all have tickets, you will get inside.. PATIENCE. Once we made it in, we decided to use the bathroom; we didn't need the Australian chap to tell us where it was as the huge ass sign saying 'Toilets' was a bit of a giveaway.. Man, those bathrooms though! They were small, cramped and nothing seemed to work. It was a relief to get out of there and get to our seats. Oh that was the start of something beautiful. We couldn't stop laughing. There was a good chance that the actual show could have been anti-climactic because we were finding comedy in every conversation we had. Whether it was the lack of black people in the venue; the ridiculous amount of couples that would've led to Tanaka's brilliant breakdown and our eventual arrest in which I would waste my one phone call on a 'dtf'; the desperation for a burger, with bacon, barbecue sauce and cheese, which most likely represented our frustration to the hot men in our lives to the revelation that the voices in the head were real and the cause of someone's death. Okay, the last one was more awks laugh than anything. Nonetheless, we were definitely in the laughing mood for my Jon.

His set was pretty good. Albeit, some material was repeated, but nonetheless, it was funny throughout. My highlights included his sheer determination to get his hat from America onto the mic stand, which he finally achieved after what seemed like a lifetime of trying! - it was the DVD night afterall! His most comedic genius came in the second half where he retold his failed attempts at romance, which made some folk look like love gurus compared to him. I won't spoil for anyone who is yet to see him or is waiting for the DVD, so all I will say is Portugal. You will understand why. For those who know me quite well, you may now be grinning at the word 'Portugal', but I must reassure you, what is said in his set is nothing we have ever once considered or even contemplated. It made me laugh uncontrollably and I was so grateful to have got this as a birthday present; it was sublime!

The journey back was murder. Not because of delays or anything like that which is typically associated with the London underground. No, it was fucking couples. Not, couples having sex, god no! It was couples that decided to do everything in unison and embrace each other whilst walking. I can accept couples holding hands, but why the hugging and walking shit? You are taking up too much time and some of us want to get home before the last bus leaves. Some of us are wearing a skirt and it is rather chilly out at this time. Some of us are sick to death of seeing loved up couples all up in my grill after having to endure the most touchy feely couple during the show, who might have well as stayed at home and fucked because  they were so frisky that they weren't even watching the show. Gaaawd, get a fucking room! Literally. But who am I to judge? Being on the tube I realised that we folk are just desperate to be loved because when there's no love, what is there? Love is all you need. Now imagine all this being said in the highest pitched voice ever, that kinda sounds like Michael Jackson.. NOW that was funny. Ah, I should be a comedian, I mean, I'm more miserable than Jon Richardson right now.

Maybe now's my chance...














Toodles :)