Friday, 31 October 2014

Saucy Friday: Crush 'Em. Hard.


Arghh. Did that scare you, Schneckens?
No? You must be hella brave, unlike lil ol' me. 

Oh goodness, where to start? Well, Happy Halloween if that's your thing and I had a bus ride with the one and only Mystery Bus Guy. We actually sat next to each other. And spoke. Do I feel good afterwards? Kinda. I mean, it was great; I finally achieved my current University goal, but I don't know. I didn't get the feeling he liked me back. I'm good at getting that vibe *cough* Giraffe. But maybe I just need to snap out of that way of thinking. I shouldn't be striving for romance; I should be striving for a friendship with this hella nice guy..

...It's not that easy though, is it? Come on, everybody who has never had a crush before, put your hand up. Who put their hand up? No one? Exactly. Everyone in some point in their lives has had a crush. I bet loads of us have one right now. Yes, we are crushing right now. Is that the term? Whatever it is, we are and I, for one, am terrified. Regular readers, sorry to drag it up again, but freakin' 'Note Gate'. When he didn't like me back, I simply couldn't get over it. Even now, I am tinged with sadness over the whole thing and it has greatly impacted me as a person. One way, which is key at the moment, is that I simply cannot handle the idea of rejection...again. Rejections happen, that's just the way life is, but after investing so much time into Giraffe, when he did what he did, I felt like I had nothing. At that time, I would have sold my soul to be with him, hence the book 'No Soul To Sell' because, deep down, I did sell it during the whole thing as I changed. I guess this is why I am scared about Mystery Bus Guy. I know how crushes work and how easy it is to slip into obsessed with the apple of one's eye. Even though there isn't so much to lose - the fact I just discovered his name and that he lives near me a week ago, as well as his subject, there isn't a direct risk like there was with Giraffe. With Giraffe, we were the same year, same class and same-ish circle of friends; there was a lot at risk. With Mystery Bus Guy, there isn't that level of risk, as in theory, I could just get on with it without being reminded of it.

Crushes aren't associated with such negativity, but I fear that's where so much goes wrong. It's glamourised as cute and romantic, but they can spiral into something more than a mere crush. Just looking at their Facebook profile can lead to hours of internet stalking just trying to find something about this person to satisfy that little lovesick voice in your heart. Actually, in your head. They say that in these circumstances, you're acting with your heart, but it was my head that was doing the work. I became consumed by the sheer idea of him; of us, that I became addicted to him. My friends kept giving me fixes by telling me that they were certain that he likes me back. In hindsight, I knew the truth, but that lovesick voice became aggressive and I was unable to distinguish reality and fiction. So whilst a crush can stay as just a crush and nothing more, people really need to see the depth in it. In other words, don't tease someone or shit like that because a crush can easily spiral out of control.

Now what does this long-ass blog post mean for me now? Well, I really have to back away. Rom-coms are poison because they subconsciously create unrealistic expectations in one's mind. Being a Drama student doesn't help matters because we strive for, well, drama. But I need to learn from my mistakes and this time I need to aim for a friendship and let whatever happen, happen..

Toodles :)

Thursday, 30 October 2014

How To Halloween

Sup, Schneckens!
Firstly, thank you all so much for the response to yesterday's blog post. It really meant a lot to me that so many of you were willing to share my struggles and support me onto the road of recovery. It's not easy at the moment. Even today was tinged with low points as I found myself crying on the bus. I just feel really lonely still and the fact that it's Halloween is not helping. Folk are out partying and I'm just not ready for that. It's not just that I hate it, it's just I'm really not in the right frame of mind; loud music, drunks, strangers - yeah, that's just asking for trouble! I was hoping to be doing a 'Fright Night' with my mom - Ruby K - but she's at a party tonight and will probably not be up for it tomorrow. My only options now are go home and spend it with mother and father, or stay here and party. I know which is more me, but one is more Uni-fied and probably important. Right? Who knows.

So yes, I have already mentioned Halloween. I fucking hate this night because it's just pointless. It is utter tripe that folk just use as an excuse to get drunk. Please, if I wanted to get drunk, I don't need to dress up as a slutty witch. I could quite easy just pour myself a vodka.. Or just drink it straight from the bottle, listening to Linkin Park 'In The End'.. What, am I the only one that does that? Well... This isn't awkward at all, is it, Schneckens? Let's learn how to Halloween..

How To Halloween:

1. Have a drink beforehand ~ You're probably going to need a lot of encouragement to actually go through with this sham of a holiday; so down whatever you've got in your room. Vodka, whiskey, cider. Whatever you cool kids have. Just down it. Now.

2. Decide on a creative, thoughtful outfit ~ Okay, you've got all those ideas running in your head. It's Halloween and you need to look scary. You need to make sure that it's intricate and mind blowingly awesome. It's got to be clever.

3. Take that idea and forget about it ~ You're going to be surrounded by drunks and people who have put on a bit of make up and voliĆ”, looks like a zombie. Just put on a bed sheet and claim that you're a ghost. Or stick with the make up. Or for the females, just go as a slutty [insert whatever].

4. Make the place more Halloween-y ~ Pumpkins usually do it. Maybe a bat. Even the occasion head in the bathroom. I shit you not, in the theatre there was a head. I thought it was smashing! I would've taken a photo, but come on, that would be weird. Taking pictures in a bathroom.. who does that?!

Oh yeah.. #throwbackThursday

5. Build up an intolerance to Thriller ~ You are going to hear this song more times than humanly possible. If you like it. great, you'll probably like it less by the end of whatever you are doing that night.

6. Learn the dance to Thriller ~ You're probably going to end up doing this as well. Hopefully folk will be drunk by this time - they will - so it won't matter as much. But there is always that judgmental sober person in the corner - me - because they can't actually get drunk/don't get easily drunk and have to endure this sober.

7. Expect the unexpected ~ This is pretty much the only Halloween theme point that sounds somewhat spooky, but yeah, expected the unexpected. A lot of weird shit could happen; whether you're partying, at home or knocking on strangers' doors for sweets, even though we're told not to take candy from strangers..

8. Accept that the alcohol will be shit ~ If you're a student, or going anywhere low budgeted, alcohol will cater for that and won't taste great. It'll probably get the job done though. Unless you're me and unable to get hammered quick enough.

9. Likewise, accept that the food will be labelled as 'spooky', but it's the same old shit ~ Seriously, those 'spooky sausages' are about as scary as an arctic roll. Heck, your body's reaction to those low priced food is more scarier than that and will be the scariest thing to happen that night!

Displaying photo.JPG

10. Have fun ~ I suppose that's the main thing. Sure, I hate this night, but hey, free food and alcohol [if you're doing that thing]. Or a chance to watch a scary film. Or not, some films aren't scary and are more funny - like The Ring. That shit is funny. So enjoy whatever you are doing and if not, hey, I've managed to run a blog for nearly a year with this kinda attitude, so..

And that's all I got. Yes, my tips are mainly based around the party spectrum of Halloween, but what did you expect? I'm a student. All we do is party. Well, not all. I evidently don't. It's just not me. My flat looks nice, so whoever decorated, good job!

Toodles :)

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

YOU Hurt Me More Than The Razor Blade

Hello, Schneckens.

I woke up and cut myself. What a bleak way to start the day. I arise from my slumber and I draw blood almost instantly; before I have even looked outside the window to look at the world encircling me with its never ending problems. This time I step it up a notch - I use a razor blade. Never have I used a razor blade as a way to physically harm myself, but this morning I really needed it. You see, I feel an array of emotions, that trying to discuss in depth, is close to near impossible. Yet this single graze from the cold razor blade summarises it better than I could ever do.

Where to start? 'Where isn't there to start?' seems like a better question because these feelings haven't just popped up and been like 'sup, bitch?' I'll start with Monday because that's when I started to feel a tad helpless. On Monday, I can't pinpoint an exact moment, yet my happiness seemed to fade away and I was met with intense sadness. I felt guilty because my inability to socialise had made someone's experience in halls less exciting than she would've liked. We have a group chat on Facebook and as I was reading their conversations, I felt sad because I know I could tell myself 'you can do this, what's the worst that could happen, fake til you make it' etc etc, knowing deep down that the actual reality of it would be painful for me. There's a reason why I fear Halloween - I'm anxious and that's never going to change and since the world can't, I have to swallow the fear; but that usually ends up with me swallowing alcohol hoping it will help. I don't know why this little thing sparked something, but I felt useless. As did texting my 'sex god'; I usually text him to perk myself up, but it didn't - I simply couldn't do it, drunk or sober.

Then the loneliness kicked in. Ha, I say kicked in as if it left - it never did. I used to think I was homesick; there isn't an exact time frame on when this will start, or how long it will last, but I believed it had to be this - I had just moved out of my family home and moved away from my loved ones. Now we come onto yesterday. I had the day off and it was full of it's ups and downs, but the evening is when I heard the silence again. It dawned on me that I hadn't spoken to a human being all day; that no one here texts me and that I don't have anyone to lean on here. It isn't homesickness anymore; I am lonely. My room is filled with silence, which I try to replace with the brilliantly depressing songs of Hollywood Undead and/or Nine Inch Nails. Sometimes their voices will be the only voices I hear in a day. I went for a walk and I'll admit, this was the most dangerous walk I had taken. I had no phone. Just NIN. And keys, obviously. It was dark out there and I had no set route on where I would go, nor how long I would be, because I knew no one would know, nor care about my absence here. I go for long night walks to cry, folks, I cry when the stars are shining just to feel like I'm not entirely alone. The stars comfort me because apparently we're made out of those magical fuckers and that makes me feel like I'm not entirely alone - I'm the same as others...

...I'm not though. Onto this morning and well, most days. On Monday, I put on some red lipstick and made myself look sexy. I thought I looked good, but evidently I'm alone in this thought and I am a shit, worthless ugly human being because I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. No one thinks I'm pretty when I'm wearing no make up, the same when I am. No one thinks I'm pretty when I'm smiling out of sheer happiness, the same for when I'm pouting sensually. I say no one because this is what it feels like. I seek the approval of strangers, as well as the approval of men, because my friends and family have to say nice things. The rest are the truth and I'm stuck in a world full of strangers and I want to know where I fit in this world. It's not a good place. You see, I changed my Facebook profile picture last night, the same time as my friend. She got 11 likes by morning, I got 2 - her and my sister. People call her pretty and I got 'smexy' from my friend. Not even a real word, probably just a reference to a joke, so the comment isn't even real. The 'sex god' will probably like her picture and that will send me further down the pit I'm in because why don't get the same back? Does he not respect me for saying I'd have sex with him again? Or is it because I've not sold my soul to him via a nude picture that will surely change the way people look at me? But I only get likes if I talk about mental health, yet why don't people like me for anything else? Does no one actually think I look nice, I just say nice things? Is this why I'm single? Because I'm unattractive? Or is it my flaws? The flaw of sheer hatred towards oneself because I'm not told that I'm beautiful, or that I'm pretty, or that I'm smart. Friends and family do this because that's what they do, but that's not enough. I want to be told I'm fucking beautiful by someone I don't even talk to just so I feel accepted in this world. That you approve of my existence. That I'm making impacts on people's lives. I want to feel like I'm part of something. You see, words can really change someone's day: a nice 'have a good day' can make someone have a good day. A simple smile can make someone smile for the rest of the day. Tell me please why it's all gone wrong.

My title is apt - YOU hurt me more than the razor blade because once the initial sting simmers down, I'm left with the pain you cause me. The pain that doesn't ever vanish. The pain that can easily last a lifetime. A pain I can't take away.

Toodles :)

Tuesday, 28 October 2014

Types of Halloween-Goers

Hey, Schneckens.
The weather is oddly summery. Well, there's sun and that's usually associated with summer, right? I went to the library today and getting in was complicated. You know those barricade things that you push? Well, I used my card correctly, just for the wrong one. It was hella embarrassing. So I didn't want to face any more embarrassment, so I left with zero books. I also went shopping and I bought those potato smiley faces things; they have made me happier than a cat that could a nice tub of yoghurt. I like yoghurt.

So, Halloween is upon us and I don't see the point of it, but loads of folk do. Therefore, expect to see these types of Halloween-Goers. Oooh, spooky!

Types of Halloween-Goers:

The Kid ~ The actual kid that actually sees a point in this night, who will either dress up as their favourite character; trick or treat (which is just a terrible, terrible invention) or use it as an excuse to eat shit. But it's cool, they're kids; they can pull off this.

The Kid At Heart ~ As the years have gone on, youth is no longer your friend, but you refuse to accept that. Instead, you still do all the shit above, claiming it's for the younger sibling or whatever, when really it's for you.

The Uni Students ~ It's a night to get beyond pissed. BEYOND. PISSED. MY LIVER HURTS JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

The Non-Uni Students, But Can Drink Legally ~ Hey, non uni students do it as well. All the drinking games, themed of course, the food. The parties. Oh, the parties. How I am never invited to them, which perhaps explains my hatred to this day.

The Inappropriate ~ Dressing up is expected, right? Well, these folk *cough* mainly females *cough* use it as a time to dress in the skimpiest clothes imaginable. A slutty nurse, really? What is this, a cheap, low budget porno. Ha, aren't most pornos cheap and low budget?

The Bey n Jay Z ~ Couples that dress up as couples. Standard, really. Hella annoying though.

The Spooky Spoons ~ Hook up, drunk, as elves and witches. Never again.

The Drunk Witch ~ Making spells with vodka and tonic. Do I like vodka and tonic? I need to find out..

Aaaaaand finally, The Goblin ~ They hate this day and everything about it. Still do shit though. Still do shit.

So that's all I got. I think I based some of these things on Mean Girls, or at least tried. Life is really like Mean Girls..

Toodles :)

Monday, 27 October 2014

Music Monday [Lizard Babies]

Hello, Schneckens!
I have red lips right now... see:

"Why?" I hear you ask.. Because I wanted to be sexy and there should be no other reason other than that. I thought I looked good and maybe if you saw me in person, you would too. Alas, you aren't. So enjoy poor picture quality!

So today was a day. I had so many sandwiches and laughed at lizard babies. Not really the most exciting of days, but it still made me smile. So smile with me, red lips or not, and let's Monday, shall we?!

Gemini Club
Song I listened to: Empty Bed:
The feeling that this connotes is aboustely stunning. It's a huge power anthem, with electro vibes, that artists wish they could combine so effortlessly. It has an OneRepublic tone to it, and given how they are big at the moment, it looks promising from Gemini Club!

Elm Treason
Song I listened to: Days of Reaction:
The funk was incredible. This song is so cool that you'll be listening to it over and over again, still singing it long after the song ends. The melody and beat was sublime. It seems almost effortless, which is a credit to this band!

Song I listened to: Memories:
Whoa, these lyrics were perfect. I was taken aback by the sick beat and effortlessly flow, complimented by the vocals, which all made the lyrics simply divine. Brilliant!

Sean Ashe [SeanAsheMusicPromo]
Song I listened to: Hemisphere:
When I heard the first second of the song, I thought it was going to be a peaceful track. Then it kicked in. The guitar was sublime! It send shivers down my spine and I knew from then on that this song was going to faultless. It is everything this world needs and I am so happy to have discovered it today!

Song I listened to: Last Place:
It was so gentle and so calming, something we all need after a stressful day. There was a feel good vibe to this song, with lyrics that touch you in all the right places. I was moved and I think you will be too!

Song I listened to: Keep It Simple, Stupid:
Now, the title of the song totally enticed me and I wasn't disappointed! With a cool, fresh and live vibe, you can't help but dance along to this song. You always want a song that gets you dancing, and this is it. Anything but simple!

Lost in a Name
Song I listened to: A Silence In Static:
When it started, my whole body came alive. Is that a thing? It was furking amazing! I wasn't expecting it and it totally rocked my world. The rocky, powerful and remarkable song is a perfect addition to this Monday and I can't wait to listen to it again and again. Wonderful!

Well, hope you enjoyed this week's list. I'm going to write a play about the world's most awkward dinner date. I might nap as well. See you next week for the next list - you bring the music!

Toodles :)

Sunday, 26 October 2014


Hi, Schneckens!
I'm back in the flat and I am having a serious hypo right now. Here's a fact about me that may be pretty obvious to regular readers: I can't cook in front of people, nor do I find it easy to eat in front of others, especially when I consider a meal to be 'carbalicious' or if the people around me are extremely healthy/slim. So all I want is to eat some rice to get my blood sugar levels rising, but I've been in there too many times now. This could end in tragedy..

But fear not, eventually I will have to eat something. Surely they must realise that people eat, right? I will eat something soon. I need to. I have had insulin for a meal. Not a snack, a meal. Till then, I guess I can go back to Friday. It was such a glorious day. I took Ruby F to Greenwich and we went to Spoons. My god, the sausages were hella huge. As were the burgers. Beautiful though, every inch of it. Every ounce. Stunning. Then Ruby K came along and we went on a magical journey on the campus, where we shook it like we ain't a hoe, which obviously means Tinky Winky style. Obvs. With this in mind, I took them to Avery Hill, on the public bus, where it had emerged that we were naturally high. So high. In my flat, we were singing Wonderwall, eating ham and chocolate and doing magical things with my hair. We also kept singing Bang Bang - that song with Jessie J. Also, Ruby F is the only person who can completely understand Ariana Grande. Amazing stuff right there. So then time flew like a bird and we had to go back to the Stow, where i discovered that kids these days don't know who Jack the Ripper is and that George Clooney is not scary.. Huh.

Maybe the pictures will make more sense.





Toodles :)