No? You must be hella brave, unlike lil ol' me.
Oh goodness, where to start? Well, Happy Halloween if that's your thing and I had a bus ride with the one and only Mystery Bus Guy. We actually sat next to each other. And spoke. Do I feel good afterwards? Kinda. I mean, it was great; I finally achieved my current University goal, but I don't know. I didn't get the feeling he liked me back. I'm good at getting that vibe *cough* Giraffe. But maybe I just need to snap out of that way of thinking. I shouldn't be striving for romance; I should be striving for a friendship with this hella nice guy..
...It's not that easy though, is it? Come on, everybody who has never had a crush before, put your hand up. Who put their hand up? No one? Exactly. Everyone in some point in their lives has had a crush. I bet loads of us have one right now. Yes, we are crushing right now. Is that the term? Whatever it is, we are and I, for one, am terrified. Regular readers, sorry to drag it up again, but freakin' 'Note Gate'. When he didn't like me back, I simply couldn't get over it. Even now, I am tinged with sadness over the whole thing and it has greatly impacted me as a person. One way, which is key at the moment, is that I simply cannot handle the idea of rejection...again. Rejections happen, that's just the way life is, but after investing so much time into Giraffe, when he did what he did, I felt like I had nothing. At that time, I would have sold my soul to be with him, hence the book 'No Soul To Sell' because, deep down, I did sell it during the whole thing as I changed. I guess this is why I am scared about Mystery Bus Guy. I know how crushes work and how easy it is to slip into obsessed with the apple of one's eye. Even though there isn't so much to lose - the fact I just discovered his name and that he lives near me a week ago, as well as his subject, there isn't a direct risk like there was with Giraffe. With Giraffe, we were the same year, same class and same-ish circle of friends; there was a lot at risk. With Mystery Bus Guy, there isn't that level of risk, as in theory, I could just get on with it without being reminded of it.
Crushes aren't associated with such negativity, but I fear that's where so much goes wrong. It's glamourised as cute and romantic, but they can spiral into something more than a mere crush. Just looking at their Facebook profile can lead to hours of internet stalking just trying to find something about this person to satisfy that little lovesick voice in your heart. Actually, in your head. They say that in these circumstances, you're acting with your heart, but it was my head that was doing the work. I became consumed by the sheer idea of him; of us, that I became addicted to him. My friends kept giving me fixes by telling me that they were certain that he likes me back. In hindsight, I knew the truth, but that lovesick voice became aggressive and I was unable to distinguish reality and fiction. So whilst a crush can stay as just a crush and nothing more, people really need to see the depth in it. In other words, don't tease someone or shit like that because a crush can easily spiral out of control.
Now what does this long-ass blog post mean for me now? Well, I really have to back away. Rom-coms are poison because they subconsciously create unrealistic expectations in one's mind. Being a Drama student doesn't help matters because we strive for, well, drama. But I need to learn from my mistakes and this time I need to aim for a friendship and let whatever happen, happen..