Wednesday, 3 September 2014

The World + My OCD

I may have just got up at 1pm. Forgive me, I was up hella late.
I think folk are going back to school today, which is a weird feeling because I'm not there and I don't have to be there. I'm free. That sounds like a really crap movie moment, but I am, so yippee! People don't say that anymore, do they?

I've been watching a lot of Crash Course Psychology these past few days, which is weird, but I've watched most of the history ones! These videos really caught my attention because they were really informative, particularly the recent one about Anxiety and OCD, both of which I am diagnosed with. I was diagnosed with both of these in 2012, which fits in perfectly with what I am going to say. It's not the nicest thing, but it has to shared with you. I was cleaning my cupboards last night and I found my diary from the Summer of 2012 in there and I didn't realise until the suicide note fell out, with images I had drawn to show how low I felt. I didn't read the note, but the picture really made me emotional. It was the weird emotional though. I was actually proud of how far I had come; granted, there were some hard times previously, but the fact I had overcome them all really says a lot. My sister said I wasn't a quitter (unrelated to the notes, just in the fact I was still tidying this jungle I call a bedroom) and she's right. I took a picture of the note just to remind me that I got through that and I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. You guys need to realise that too about yourselves. If any of you feel low, please, and I stress this, go speak to someone; you deserve to feel good about yourselves x

If you need help, call Samartians on:
08457 90 90 90

Now moving on, before we all get teary - OCD. One thing that really grinds my gears is when someone just throws that around like it's no biggie. The amount of times I have heard folk around me say they have OCD, or have OCD moments, just because they like to tidy, or organise their DVD collection. Oy vey. No, you do not have OCD, you're just a very organised person, which I'm envious about because I'm not organised.. Then we have other folk who see how untidy and unorganised I am and question my diagnosis. Let me stress one thing. OCD ISN'T ABOUT BEING CLEAN AND TIDY. NO. NO, NO, NOOOOOO! Yes, some people with the condition need to clean in order to reduce their anxious thoughts because they truly believe that there will be dire consequences if they don't do it.

That's pretty much the best way I could describe OCD since I'm not a health care professional. It's that intense and unbearable anxiety that the person tries to relief through compulsions, often ritualistic behaviours. I often find my OCD most prominent through superstitious actions that go beyond the norm and it really reeks havoc in my daily life. For instance, the moment I get up, I must put on my slippers, then my glasses, then the blue hair band, which I must have on my body at all times, to ensure that the day starts off good, or it'll be a bad day. Yet when I go to sleep, I must say my prayers. This isn't a normal prayer though as it is full of rituals and compulsions that I must complete in order to ensure that the next day will be a good day. I actually say the following; "Please let it be a really good, productive day, with no arguments." - the number of pleases varying, depending on my frantic state of mind. These prayers can last up to half an hour because a lot of my OCDs are caused by the fear that a greater presence will punish me if I do wrong; so I perform these rituals and compulsions to ensure that nothing bad happens.

Similarly, I have a fear that if I break a certain cycle, or something in place, it will have dire consequences. For example, I still haven't opened that Sherlock DVD and I am waiting for a 'safe' time (a time where nothing notably significant will happen, so opening it won't jeopardise it.) So I will have to bite the bullet and do it now because if I leave it any longer, I'll probably never do it - which has been the case for many of my things in my life (I will never watch certain shows in my Sky+ Planner, nor open a chocolate, nor move a poster) But if it keeps me calm, then so be it; it's not ideal, but it's keeping me sane and that's all I am fussed about. Don't get me wrong, I have improved greatly in the last few years, as I have thrown away a lot of my stuff that I once believed had a significant impact in the way my life would continue - so that's an achievement!

I'm going to end it on that high because it's good to show that I am making progress. I rarely discuss my OCD as it opens up a lot of anger inside of me as people just misuse the term. I often find myself complaining about shows as people just throw the term around and I react the same way when folk I know do it too. I'll always remember that person who went onto SnapChat to highlight their so called OCD because they was vacuuming at night. I don't believe this individual has OCD because many people with OCD don't like talking about it as it is very hard to. For me, it releases a sense of guilt and embarrassment because I know that, logically, there is no link between that Sherlock DVD and my exam results, but I still do it anyway. So when this person just went on SnapChat and claimed it, it just felt a tad attention seeking; but I know this person and I know this person IS attention seeking and misuses mental health conditions a lot. Sorry, I just get really passionate about this as it has had, and still does have, an impact in my life. But hopefully more people will understand this condition and really start to see the impact it has in folk's lives.

Toodles :)

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