Thursday, 25 September 2014

How To Awkwardly Survive Freshers' Fortnight

MY THROAT FEELS LIKE DEATH.
Hey, Schneckens!
That was a cheery start, wasn't it? Yeah it was!

I have Freshers' flu, despite the fact that I haven't done much Freshers' stuff. I hate life sometimes. I feel all groggy and that shit is just hella annoying! Curse the monster who gave me this! Or monsters. Most likely monsters.

Anyway, if you're anything like me, you've probably hated every minute and Freshers' fortnight and haven't really done much in comparison to other wild folk. So here are my tips to surviving, albeit rather awkwardly, the remainder of your Freshers' experience.

How To Awkwardly Survive Freshers' Fortnight:

1. Go crazy on the first night ~ The first night is usually when you're feeling most outgoing and ambitious, so you might as well do everything you imagined Uni life would be like, because chances are, after that one night, you won't ever do it again.

2. Cheap out ~ Don't bother spending loads of money. Money is too valuable and you kinda need your student finance for more pressing matters, like rent, food.. So you need to learn to get intoxicated on cheap booze (isn't hard) or just go to flat parties. No one will notice you and you can drink all you like. It's the only way to survive this torture.

3. Get intimate ~ Not sexually. That's waaaaay too much for us. No, just accept the fact that drunks like hugging. You will be hugged more times than you have ever in your whole life. It's inevitable if you're small, or cute, or both.

4. Small talk ~ You will have to do the following: Name; studying; where you from; where you studying. That's pretty much it. If you actually like this person, dive in a little deeper, but the rest just stick with that. Can't go wrong really.

5. Befriend the quiet ones ~ The loud ones will irritate you after a while and won't give you any time to talk. The quiet ones are just shy and easier to relax with.

6. Stay within the block ~ Branching out is too scary and you're most likely come across some strange person, who's sole goal is to get laid that night. Avoid those people at all costs.

7. Go to bed early ~ Whilst everyone is completely hungover/still drunk the following morning, for lectures, you're bright eyed and bushy tailed. You're definitely winning. Sure, the first year doesn't count, but you're totally winning..

8. Barely cook ~ Cooking means you have to go in your kitchen and the smell will stay forever, which means everyone knows what you ate and how you can't cook. You'll learn to cook.. Eventually. It will most likely be spaghetti. Pasta is easy to cook. Trust me.

9. Join every possible society ~ They're giving you free stuff and you can't take it without a reason. I mean, you're not a savage. They spent the time to explain the whole thing to you, so you have to sign up now.

10. Get fake hammered ~ Folk will be so real hammered that you simply cannot put up with their idiotic actions anymore. At least fake drunk allows you to say what you really think and blame it on the vodka.. Avoid real drunk though. You haven't made enough stable relationships to rely on if you pass out..

And that's pretty much how I survived/surviving my Freshers' fortnight experience. I have the flu, somehow. I'm annoyed. Really tired though, so I'm going to bed. Oh yeah, I'm writing this at night because I'm going home. Seeing Loose Women with my mother - she wanted to see it, not me!!

Toodles :)