Today was what I can only describe as a 'Chandler Bing Moment' - you know that episode when it suddenly hits him that he's going to get married; well this happened today. Just replace marriage with University woes.
As a result of this overwhelming feeling, I had a panic attack. It was incredibly hard to deal with as I didn't want to show that side of me to my friends, who I consider family. But I did. It was similar to my last panic attack in June (?), where I felt immense guilt and shame for one of my actions, mixed with the hectic work life and schedule thrust upon me. This one was different though as it was also brought upon by feelings of immense sadness. You see, the place where I started feeling panicky was the place where I had planned for my suicide to take place; which greatly distressed me and I tried to keep that secret with the constant jokes. Yet those moments when I went silent and spaced out was me actually remembering that the last time I set foot in this building, I intended to leave in a body bag, or at least, an ambulance. That was the hardest sentence I've ever had to read and I really hope that people from my school (well, ex school now) share this with those still there, even a teacher, because being there reminded me of something else horrible.
They didn't know/never knew. I'm not talking about my suicide bid this August, I'm talking about 2012. I was so ill that year and the signs had been brewing even YEARS before that, yet few picked up from it. I discovered that others received tremendous treatment for their battles, but I, the girl that felt her first comforting from the idea of death in that place and often imagined taking my life there, received what? A person I saw occasionally and probably thought my problems only happened in school, so it must of been a shock to discover that I was a nervous wreck outside? People who hadn't even heard of Trichotillomania before and disregarded it as a mere bad habit that would stop after exam season? People who just told me 'that's life'? Well, guess that? That's NOT FUCKING LIFE. THIS FEELING IS NOT WHAT LIFE SHOULD BE. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO FEEL LIKE THIS. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO FEEL SO ANXIOUS THAT I CAN'T EVEN BREATHE, AND QUITE FRANKLY, REACH THE POINT WHERE I DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANOTHER BREATH IN THIS GOD FORSAKING WORLD.
There, that is the truth. Sorry, it had to be said. I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of feeling so low and having to feel bad for it and believing that asking for help will just cause more problems. I'm sick of feeling immense shame for doing anything remotely sexual, even just flirting with a guy, because it looks as if I'm just giving myself away. I'm sick of putting my loved ones through this shit and not being able to stop their pain and believing that I'm a horrible person for doing this. Quite frankly, I'm sick of being me.
So yes, that was my day today. It did get better, but this had to be said. A lot of things came up today and I just really felt it all. Mental health problems doesn't make you a bad person and you deserve to be happy and get appropriate treatment or guidance.