Thursday, 19 June 2014

24 Problems England Supporters Know [And Hate]

Heeeey, Schneckens!
It looks like it might rain today and I'm dripping wet from the downpour. When I say 'downpour', I mean the shower. I like showers; never sung in it though - I feel like I've missed out on something. Today is also the England vs. Uruguay game, and I don't watch football, nor do I enjoy it; but I do notice a bunch of problems that England supporters experience. All are funny, to be honest. Well, if you don't care. Anyway, let's go!

24 Problems England Supporters Know [And Hate]:

1. The big expectations at the start ~ I understand that everyone hypes up their countries, but come on, why do we have every world cup these ridiculous expectations that England could possibly win the World Cup? Yes, they are a good team - but are they the best? No. So spare the heartache, and lower the expectations a bucket load.

2. Pubs ~ Supporters tend to watch matches in pubs, and if you've never been in one during World Cup season, don't! It is full of rowdy folk who smell like cheap beer and sweat, swearing profoundly at the television that can barely be seen because everyone is blocking it. Just stay at home...

3. ...Television Bargaining ~ In homes, everyone faces this so-called dilemma. Who's going to get the main TV? The main TV is usually the big, HD one that everyone prefers to enjoy the show with. Whilst you think that England's matches would get it, you'd be wrong - I'm not finishing my movie without seeing the ending just so you can get all pissy about how shit England are playing!

4. WAGs ~ Seriously, why is this even a thing?! Ooooh, look, a woman married, or dating, a footballer - how extraordinary and news worthy! Seriously? Get over it.

5. Times of matches ~ Probably most relevant now given the time difference in Brazil, but a lot of England supporters moan because the matches are on later than they would like.

6. Rooney ~ I'm going to take a stab in the dark and guess that a lot of supporters get pissy about Rooney for whatever reason that he produces. I can't comment since I don't watch, but picking up from my social media, he tends to bug a lot of folk.

7. Flag hate ~ This is for any team, actually. Why do some folk get upset about someone proudly showcasing their pride through a flag? It's not causing any harm, so the hate is totally uncalled for.

8. Commentators ~ There's been a lot of backlash to this years' commentators, and whilst I think this petty, I guess it can be a huge pain the the ass if you have a poor commentator during the actual match itself.

9. The physio getting hurt ~ Seriously - WTF?! As much as it is funny, I hope he wasn't hurt that much.. But man, that is hilarious, nonetheless!


10. Getting dirt on your football shirt ~ You can't wash it because it's bad luck to... Is it just my household that's like this? Furk.

11. Expectations gradually decreasing ~ It's starting to become apparent that England is not a top notch team compared to others and more than likely to get knocked out soon. Sorry, not sorry.

12. Odd shoes ~ Still don't know why this is a thing..

13. Food prices ~ Now is the time when restaurants and food places cash in on World Cup fever and overprice anything that sounds remotely like it is English/English team related.

14. World Cup songs ~ Every time the World Cup comes along, we get a shiz load of songs that are so tacky, so cheap and so annoying that it's all we hear. It's annoying. SO DAMN ANNOYING. I can't even rank them from worst to best because they are all so terrible.

15. Adverts ~ It's like companies think that because it's World Cup season that they should just throw that into adverts and it just doesn't work; it's irrating and if I didn't want your product then, I'm certainly not going to want it now.

16. Fake football fans ~ Those folk who have never watched a single game in their life, and are only doing it to jump on the bandwagon. It's pretty easy to spot them - ask them something football related, and they will struggle to answer it just like England struggle with penalties. Oooh, I went there!

17. Sore throats ~ FROM ALL THAT SCREAMING AT THE TELEVISION, OBVIOUSLY. AARRGGGHH, COME ON, ENGLAND!

18. Hangovers ~ From drinking too much, obviously - from at the pub, parties if that's your thing and the common drowning one's sorrows.

19. Bidding to host the World Cup ~ There's always a big load of hoopla for this, and they never succeed; then they moan and get moaning until the next bid comes along. Then the cycle repeats itself.

20. The actual matches itself ~ So tense that you can literally cut the air with the bluntest knife in the world, mainly because you have to hide the sharp knifes for the inevitable defeat. (Note: this is NOT speaking from experience; my family are sane thank you very much!)

21. Pint prices ~ How much for a pint?! You see, loads of folk probably haven't been to a pub in years, so discovering how much things cost is a shock to the system.

22. Extra time ~ Oh gawd, the tension is increasing. The heart is racing so much that you feel like you might keel over at any moment.

23. Penalties ~ Hahahahaha. England are terrible at this, and everyone knows that, so when it comes to this moment, everyone is clinging onto anything near them; praying and just general bargaining that England will win this.

Aaaaaaand finally, 24. Losing ~ That sad crushing of the dream. Le sigh. There's always next time, guys!


Sooo.. What do you think? Have I hit the metaphorical nail on the head, or have I flopped like England taking penalties. I'm sorry, I'll stop with the penalties jokes. So, good luck today, England, you are certainly going to need it!

Toodles :)