2014 has been a weird year for me. I achieved so much (Actually enjoyed Sixth Form; Passed my A Levels; Started University; Wrote 2 books; Blogged it out; Shone light into folks' life because I bought light bulbs for Christmas etc) Yet, whilst doing all this, I was full of great sadness and self loathing. There were three times, in the later part of the year, when I stared the prospect of death in the eyes and each time I contemplated suicide, it was all because of the same reason - I hated myself. Such a brutal confession, but I did, I still do, in fact (Not as much though. I mean, I don't look myself in the mirror before sticking my fingers down my throat to purge myself of sin anymore. By 'sin', I mean fat. I'm not that symbolic..) There are numerous reasons why I feel this way, from personal/traumatic experiences all the way to society's contradicting views on how a human being should look/act/live. Although I have been whipped and so forth - all in a non sexual way, mostly - I do feel optimistic for 2015. I have many projects in the pipeline, including this blog, my work and of course, my fight for mental health. Being as vulnerable and fragile as I was this year, it really made me realise how little was done to prevent these attitudes that truthfully, could have been a lot more tragic than it was! Mental health is shunned by folks as it's not a physical disease, even though, when you really think about it, it freakin' is! I want to use this new year to help break the stigma around it all and to help educate more people about the truth behind mental health, as well as help give people a voice in such a closed subject. It may seem big, but little steps can take you a long way!
Back to this year though. Let's divulge deeper into the year 2014!
Russian history.. Let's stop Stalin and move onto the next section, да?
|I always fall for the bad boy...|
Let's return to the positives though. My butt is real. I tell myself that everyday as a way to make me happy because it's little things like that which can really bring a weird smile to my face. I used this year to embrace my creativity and wrote two books - No Soul To Sell and So Um Pouco. Both sound incredibly sexy and mysterious. Keeping busy has helped a lot with the Depression, so writing So Um Pouco has been a blessing in disguise! I guess I should try to get my work out there.. The blog has been a privilledge to write this year and it had its first birthday, which was moving for me! So many of you continue to support me in so many ways and it really gives me a push.
Likewise, and I don't mean it to seem rushed, my friends. They make every unbearable moment seem okay. They make every tear go away with their warm hugs and smiles. Yes, we're all apart now, but my mom (Ruby K); son (Ruby F) and sister (Tanaka) have continued to give me a reason to live each day and like my biological family, I love them more than the world itself. Wherever we go with our lives, you're all in my heart and I will carry you everywhere. Even if I'm drunk texting you. That means I extra love you! Or that I extra love vodka. Sometimes it's hard to tell.
Well, what a year, eh? Who knows what 2015 has to offer, but I made some memories, so let's keep making some more. Happy New Year, Schneckens x